The Hole Shot
by foreveraddicted
Summary: Bella Swan still woke up everyday. She went to work. She went out with her boyfriend. She kept breathing. Kept moving. But her heart? It doesn't beat, doesn't feel anything but pain. Anything but that hole that Edward Cullen left there five years ago.
1. Prologue: My Heart Hurts

With a shaking hand, she held the cold telephone to her chest. Closing her eyes and taking deep breaths, she used the other hand to dig her nails into the carpet.

"Deep breaths. Deep breaths." She managed to croak out.

Holding the phone back up to her face and blinking away her tears, she let out a strangled cry and threw the phone across the room. She had dialed the first 6 numbers countless times. Never finally finishing the call. If this was what he wanted, then he would have it.

There was more to her than him. She wouldn't be his doormat anymore. She wouldn't hurt anymore. She wouldn't call Alice at 3 in the morning, just for her to tell her it was all going to be alright.

Bella crawled across the floor, her eyes so heavy with tears and her breaths so ragged and punctuated by strangled cries that she could barely find her way over to the couch. With all the energy she could find, she thrust herself up on it.

She tried to calm her breathing. She had to stop crying. She wouldn't be able to see the road to drive the hell away from here if she didn't.

Finally managing to gain some kind of ground, she stood on shaky legs and made her way through the cold and empty house. Through the hall that held 5 years worth of pictures of them together.

Smiling, laughing, riding and loving. Five years of knowing that no one would ever hold her heart the way he had. She let out a strangled cry again and fell to the floor. Why would he do this? Couldn't he see that she would stand by him? Couldn't he see that she would love him through this? That they would make it…together?

Bella didn't even bother to stand. She crawled the rest of the way through the dark hall until she found herself lying at the foot of their bed. The bed they had watched movies in, read into the night in, made love in, and created a life in.

How would she ever survive this? How could she ever find her way without him? He was all she had ever known. All she had ever wanted. All those plans, her future, their future….just….gone…..over.

"Bella?" Alice called from the living room.

"Sweetie, are you okay? It looks like a bomb went off in here." Bella let out a strangled cry and a fresh wave of tears began to fall to the carpet she laid her head on. Grasping and clutching at the ground, she began to hyperventilate and she didn't know how to stop it.

"Oh god." Alice came running into the room and grabbed Bella's head, pulling it into her lap.

"Make it stop hurting, Alice." Bella choked into her best friends leg.

"Oh god, please!" Bella cried out.

All Alice knew to do, was stroke her hair and rock her.

"Shhh, baby. It's all going to be okay. I promise, It will all be okay."

Bella had heard Alice say those words to her almost every night for nearly a year. At one time she had let herself believe it. Had thought that Alice must be right.

For the first time, she knew it wasn't going to be alright. She knew that life wouldn't go on. Yes, she may go on breathing….but not living.

Because Edward was gone. They wouldn't lie in the bed laughing again. They wouldn't raise a family together. They wouldn't grow old together.

He was her world and now…..now….her world was gone and that heart that beats in her chest?

It was gone too.


	2. I Kept Breathing

Sliding the coffee mug out of the sleek and modern cabinet, Bella Swan placed it by the coffee pot. Waiting for the coffee maker to shut off, she picked up the remote and turned on the small TV on the wall while jutting out her hip to lean on the counter.

Flicking through the channels, Bella landed on The Speed Network. It was a motocross race. Her heart stilled for a second and then relaxed when she realized it was a 125 race. It looked like a good one too. She hated to admit that she didn't know any of the riders. She had been away from that world for 4 years, so that shouldn't be a shock, really.

Hearing the maker beep, Bella turned back to the counter and got the sugar out, making her coffee. Black but sweet, just like she likes it.

Deeply inhaling the delicious scent, Bella closes her eyes and smiles. She loves her mornings. Peaceful…quiet…perfect.

"Charlie Swan." The TV interviewer announced.

Bella's attention immediately snapped back to the TV.

It was just another segment about the tournament next weekend.

"Swan, a former 250 rider himself, had helped many get their start in the business with his generous sponsorships and he will be greatly missed by the community. Next weekend's Championship series will be a week long competition that can stand as an un-official testament to who will win the series this year. In memory of Swan who died last year, the tournament has been dedicated in his honor."

Bella let out a deep breath. She would be so glad when that damn tournament was over. Thinking about being there for the banquet…uggh. It made her stomach turn.

Picking up the bagel she had smothered with cream cheese, Bella made her way to the back patio and sat down, looking out over the bay. She had spent four years making her life here in Charleston. She had finished her degree, gotten a good job and started fresh here. No drama, no pain…just peace.

Sipping her coffee, Bella smiled at the sun coming up over the water. It really was beautiful. When she had looked at this apartment a couple years ago, this view was exactly what had sold it to her.

It was small, barely big enough for her, but it was worth it for this view. Bella was broke out of her thoughts by the ringing phone.

Looking down at the display and seeing Jamie's face pop up, Bella couldn't stop herself from smiling. She had been seeing Jamie for about a year. It was nice. Comfortable. Safe.

"Hey you." She answered, a big smile playing on her lips as she took another gulp from the steaming mug.

"Good morning, pretty girl." He cooed into the phone.

"Let me guess, you are sitting on the balcony watching the sunrise?"

Bella just laughed. Stretching her legs out on the rail, she let out a contented sigh.

"You know me so well, James Montgomery."

Bella smiled, but then slightly jumped when she felt soft lips nuzzle her neck and a melodic voice in her ear.

"Nah, just broke in your house." He chuckled as he squatted down next to her chair.

Bella threw her arms around him and breathed in his scent. She loved his cologne. It was clean, but burly. It made her think of a new car but one with one of those 'manly' air fresheners in it.

"What are you doing here?" She smiled and pulled back to look at him. Keeping her arms wrapped around his neck, his hand slowly trailed up the length of her legs to her hips. He grasp grew firm and he pulled her up and then he sat down in her place, pulling her in his lap.

"How many times have I told you to lock that front door?" He looked at her sternly with his eyebrows raised.

"I know you grew up in small town USA, but this is Charleston, Bella. Not so safe." He stroked her face with his finger, as she buried her head in his neck.

"See how easy I got in here? You didn't even know." He pulled his face back from hers and pleaded with her with his eyes.

"Okay. "

Bella started to get up from his lap. He grasped her fingers and pulled them toward him.

Pleading up at her with his eyes.

"Okay, honey. I promise." She vowed with a compassionate smile on her face. "I promise." She assured.

"Okay." He smiled back at her brightly.

"So, what are we doing today?" He reached across the table and tore a piece of her bagel off.

Chuckling, Bella went back into the kitchen and got the bagels and cream cheese from the refrigerator. Pulling out a butter knife and a saucer, she started to spread the cream.

"I don't know. Did you have something in mind?" She called from the kitchen.

Jamie walked into the kitchen and leaned his body over the counter and put his forearms against the granite. Smiling up at her with that beautiful grin, Bella remembered why he could make her melt.

"Well, I kinda thought about going downtown maybe?" He said with a sly shrug.

Bella smiled widely at him and handed him the bagel. He quickly pecked her on the cheek and took a huge bite.

"Thanks, cutie."

Bella walked over toward the sink and rinsed the knife.

"I noticed they had a lot of the streets shut down. What's going on down there?"

She dried the knife and placed it back in the drawer before she leaned back against the counter.

"It's Party at the Point just like every other weekend," He threw the napkin he had used after eating his bagel in the trash.

"But this one is like a festival they used to have years ago. They put this huge bonfire on the beach…." Jamie made huge gestures with his hands and Bella giggled at his adorably candid behavior.

"…and you're supposed to throw things that you want to get over in there."

Throwing away things that you wanted to forget sounded pretty good to her.

"Really? That sounds pretty awesome." Bella smiled and looped her arms around his shoulders and scratched at his short hair at the nape of his neck. He had just had it cut and she loved the way those clipper-things made it feel.

"It really was. I loved it in high school. I think I was maybe….uh…." Jamie squinted his eyes and looked up at the ceiling.

"…uh, junior, maybe? Yeah… a junior when they stopped doing it."

He leaned down and kissed her nose.

"Some kids showed up wasted," He put an extra emphasis on wasted.

"and one of them nearly fell in the fire, so, that was the last year." He chuckled.

Pulling herself from his embrace reluctantly, she used the remote to turn off the TV on the counter.

"Leave it up to someone to ruin the fun, huh?" She smiled and placed the remote back on the counter.

"Yeah. So what do ya say? Yes? No?" He stuck out his bottom lip to make his point.

Even if she didn't think it would be a blast, and she did, she could never tell him no after seeing that cute face.

"Let me go get ready and we'll head out.

"Yes!" He pumped a fist in the air in victory. Scooping her up in his arms, he leaned down and kissed her neck.

"I promise it will be great. And if you don't think so, say the word and we'll leave, okay?" He looked at her with a serious face.

She knew he meant it. Jamie always had her best interest at heart. He never put himself in front of her. It was one of the things she liked the most about him.

With Jamie, she always came first.

"I'm going to jump in the shower and throw on some make-up and I'll be right back."

As she started to step toward the bathroom, he caught her hand and pulled her back to him.

Kissing her deeply, he barely pulled away and rubbed their noses together.

"Sounds good."

She pulled away again and was half way down the hall when she heard him call.

"You might want to wear comfortable shoes. I know you love your heels but your feet will be killing you by the end of the day!"

She just laughed out loud and heard him chuckle back.

She did love her heels. And she loved that this Bella, Jamie's Bella, was so different from the Bella she used to be. That Bella was weak. This one is strong. That Bella was plain and bland. This Bella was full of life.

This Bella was better.

~o0o~

Bella lay back on her elbows with her long tan legs stretched out on the quilt and crossed at the ankles. She loved lying on the beach at night. The way the moon shone on the water was amazing.

Jamie came running down the shoreline and threw himself down beside her, leaning in and kissing her neck as she giggled.

"Did you have fun?" She turned her head toward him and questioned.

"Yeah, God, I hadn't seen Josh and Adam in years." He chuckled and pulled himself up on his side, laying all his weight on his forearm and he used the other hand to tuck hair behind her ear.

"Josh is married! I can't believe it!" His smile was huge.

"He was like the horniest 17 year old ever! He had a new girl every week, and now?" He shrugged his shoulders and raised his eyebrows.

"He has settled down with ONE girl!" He laughed again and sat up in a crossed leg position.

"Adam has a couple kids too." He said more quietly and looked out at the ocean.

Bella could see his jaw tense and his breathing slow as he tried to compose himself.

She pulled her self into a position that mirrored his own and pulled his hands into hers.

"Hey."

He continued to look out and take deep breaths.

"Baby."

Taking a few more breaths, he finally turned toward her with glassy eyes.

"I promise you. PROMISE you, it's going to be okay."

She offered him and small smile and he returned an even smaller one.

"I know." He looked down at their hands and stroked the back of her knuckle with the pad of his thumb.

"I tell myself that everyday." He chuckled.

"Most days…I even believe it." He laughed a little louder.

He looked in her eyes.

"Thank you. There have been so many days…"

He slowly moved his fingers against her forehead and trailed his finger down the side of her face.

"…I don't think I would have made it without you."

She smiled at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

As he cupped her jaw, he pulled her mouth to his and gently stroked her lip with his tongue, asking for entrance.

She immediately responded with the opening of her mouth and a soft swoon.

It never failed, if she was having a bad day, he could make it all go away.

Pulling her into his lap, she wrapped her legs around his waist and he moved one hand to her pants pocket and the other under her shirt to stroke the soft skin on her lower back.

She wanted him. It had been a few days and she missed him.

Slowly rotating her hips, she ground into him and he let out a stifled groan.

"We are a fam-a-lee…I got all my sisters with me…." Bella's phone rang out.

"Uggg, Alice!" Bella called and Jamie chuckled.

"Better answer it or she'll call all night." He smiled and nipped at her chin.

"And I have plans for you tonight." He wiggled his eyebrows and Bella laughed as she climbed off of him and crawled over to the phone, making sure to put a little extra wiggle in there and then looked back at him over her shoulder and winked.

Jamie just groaned and threw himself back on the sand, throwing his forearm over his eyes.

"Yes dear." Bella answered.

"What took you so long?" Alice blew into the phone.

Bella chuckled. Impatient Alice.

"Nothing. What's up buttercup?"

Alice just laughed. It was always good to hear Bella happy. Things had been so touch and go for so long, that Alice would never tire of hearing the pep in her cousin's step.

"I just wanted to call and see what time you'll be home next week?"

Bella stiffened automatically.

"Bella?" Alice called. She knew Bella would react this way.

"Alice, I just don't know…"

Alice cut her off immediately.

"Bella! This is about Charlie. No one else. They are giving this in memory of him. A special honor at the banquet the night before and everything! You'd really back out of that?"

Bella closed her eyes together as tight as possible and bit her lip.

She knew that she wouldn't be able to escape this. After all these years of running and she wouldn't be able to run anymore. She would have to go back.

Have to face him.

Have to look at those green eyes that still made her heart hurt. Look at the hair that still made her want to tug at it so bad that when she thought about it, her panties suddenly became wet.

"I don't even know if I can still get a ticket." Bella tried to justify.

"I already bought you one. Just give them your name at the desk." Alice declared matter of factly.

Taking a deep breath and scratching her head, Bella relented.

"Fine."

Looking back over the quilt, she knew immediately the only way she could handle this. She needed her rock, her reason for still being able to function.

"But Jamie is coming with me."

The line was empty for a few seconds.

"I'll call the airline and have another ticket left." Alice replied curtly.

There was a silence between the two of them for a few moments. It hadn't been this way in so long.

"I miss you." Alice spoke meekly, so much so that Bella barely heard her.

"I know Alice. I miss you so much." Bella was being honest. Sure she and Alice met up every couple months for dinner, but it wasn't the same.

She missed being in the same town with her. Seeing her every day. She missed her cousin…her best friend.

"I'll be home soon. You won't have to miss me anymore." Bella wanted to lighten the mood.

"I bet you get tired of me!" Bella laughed.

"Never." Alice forced a chuckle back, but they both knew.

"I'll see you soon okay?" Bella posed the question, but she wanted Alice to understand. She couldn't do this alone. She would need all the help she could get.

"Soon… love you."

"Love you too. Bye." Bella ended the call. Taking a deep breath, she tossed the phone back onto the edge of the blanket and crawled back over to Jamie who was snoozing lightly on his back.

Snuggling up into his side and putting her hand under his shirt to play with the smooth skin around his belly button, Bella smiled when his arm came down and pulled her tighter into him.

"Jamie?"

"What baby?" He said never opening his eyes.

"You remember I told you that I had to go back home at the end of the month?" Bella continued to play with his stomach. She just hoped that he could come with her.

"Yeah?"

"Would you come with me?" Her voice was small and she wasn't even sure he heard her.

"Of course I will." He pulled back and looked her in the eye.

"Is something wrong?"

Bella pulled her top half up and rested her weight on the forearm she was laying on. Staring in his eyes, she hoped he couldn't see the fear there.

"No, it's just that…" Bella chewed her lip and Jamie gently tugged it out from her teeth.

"…it's been so long since I have been there and I don't want to go alone." Bella looked down.

He placed his pointer finger under her chin and lifted it to see her eyes.

"I'm always right here, right by your side….no matter what." His eyes told her he was being honest and she smiled at him.

Laying her head back down in his chest, she retuned her hand to his stomach and he pulled her close to him again.

She just hoped that she could limit the time that Jamie would be around him. That she could limit the time SHE spent around him.

She just hoped that she could keep it together.

She hoped she could be the new Bella there.

She hoped that she could smile and laugh there.

God, she was in trouble.


	3. To the Track!

Hey Guys! I know I put this story on hiatus, but the characters are now speaking to me more than those in Black Velvet, so I am going to try and post both. Please hang in there with me. 

This is not beta'd and I own nothing…though I do own a few fantasies about Raceward…

BPOV

You know those moments when you're imagining what the Great Plains look like based on what you've seen on TV? Those little checkered quilt-like squares that are all laid out like a picnic blanket?

I wish my life was like that. Perfect little squares that fit everything in its place, held there by barbed wire. No seeping out into other facets of your life.

Contained.

Funny, that's probably what I'm flying over right now. Neat little barbed wired squares.

"Baby?" I feel him nuzzle me with his nose. I can't help but smile and close my eyes. My head clears.

"Hmmm?" I turn my head from the airplane window and let his nose trail from my neck to my cheek where it rests just below my jaw bone.

"You okay? You've been pretty checked out over there." Reaching down to softly stroke the back of my hand with the pad of his thumb, I thank God for him right now.

This week had been crazy. Running around trying to finalize plans and vacation time.

All I wanted to do was call the whole thing off.

"Yeah, just…." I take a deep breath and let the sharp intake of air cool my lungs and coat it like a balm.

"It's been a long time since I've been back there you know?"

Confusion crossed his face. I knew eventually we'd have to have this talk. We would have to discuss my past.

A past I had been running from for so long.

A past I wanted to forget, but my heart just wouldn't let me.

"Didn't you go back for the funeral?"

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

Moments pass.

He waits.

He always waits.

For a year he's waited.

Always waiting for me to open up. Waiting for me to finally tell him why I wake up crying sometimes.

I'm still not ready.

I don't know if I will ever be.

But I have to tell him some of it. Enough to keep him from being too curious to question them once we land.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Charlie was buried back in his hometown. It's a little place in Washington. Forks?" I question him, but I know he's never heard of it. Who would?

He shakes his head.

I use the tip of my finger to trace delicate lines on the back of his hand.

"I guess I've never really told you much about daddy, huh?"

Jamie and I had met only a week after Charlie died. In all honesty, it's probably the only reason I let myself get involved with him.

I had gotten so used to being alone and re-inventing myself.

After Charlie died, I just wanted to be comforted. I just wanted to have someone hold me.

So I let him.

Leaning my head back against the headrest, I turned my head and smiled at him.

"Daddy had money. I mean _real_ money. I know that's probably hard to imagine considering I don't live very lavishly, but I have it all put away." I shrug my shoulders.

"It's not really anything I worked for, so….it doesn't feel like it's mine." That's one thing he taught me. _You make your own way, Bells. Work for your bread, and then it's really yours._

"My grandma Swan was a Delacroix before she married. A real southern Belle." I chuckle as I picture my grandma. Even when she passed, she was still a regal beauty with her snow white hair and pearls.

"Her family was in oil and all that implies." I say with a smile and my best version of the Deep South accent she always had.

Jamie just smiles at me, flashing his white teeth.

"She was an Aggie. Generations of Delacroix had gone there. She met my grandpa there. He was not exactly the 'right' kind of man her parents were hoping for. He was on scholarship there. Just the son of a single father who fished for a living. It didn't matter to her though, they were crazy in love."

I can't help but smile so hard that my eyes close. I can still hear her telling me the story at bedtime. My heart hurts because I can still hear her calling out his name the day she died. Telling him she was finally coming.

"They moved back to Forks and started a life there. He had a degree in business and worked at a bank. Not long after they married they had my uncle, William. A couple years later, my dad, Charles."

It still hurts knowing that I won't see him again. I'll never cook for him again. He'll never walk me down the aisle or give me advice on parenting.

"Daddy and Will were always like night and day. Such polar opposites. Grandma was still close with her family, but she never lived up to the socialite life. Will did though. He _loved_ it. Daddy didn't. Will wanted the money, the prestige, everything being a Delacroix would give him."

I remember Daddy telling me one time that he actually used to introduce himself as William Swan Delacroix. He wouldn't use his god given surname.

"Daddy worked hard and made his own way."

Smiling wickedly at Jamie, I cock my head and raise my eyebrows.

"Now, that's not to say they didn't enjoy _some_ of the perks of money. Daddy learned early that when you have money….you watch the girls."

Confusion passed over Jamie's face.

"Gold-digger's." I whisper.

He nodded his head in understanding.

"Anyway, when Daddy was about 16, he got into motocross racing. He was a 250 rider." I smile remembering the pictures I had seen of Charlie in his younger days. He was actually quite handsome.

"He loved it. I can remember watching films of his racing and it was just…I don't know….probably the happiest I had ever seen him."

"When he graduated, he decided to pursue it full-time. He found out about a team in Montana and put some of that Delacroix money to use. He bought bikes, parts, gear….you name it. He went all out."

"I don't remember you talking about him racing. Just him being involved with it." Jamie took both my hands in his.

I knew it was because he felt the tension seep in when I got to this part of the story.

"He thought he was safe there. He was just a rider with Swan on his back."

Closing my eyes and exhaling loudly, I fought the tears back.

"It was there he met Renee Brown. He fell head over heels for her. Just crazy in love with her, you know? She was pregnant inside of three months."

I swallow back a lump in my throat.

"So Renee is your mom?" Jamie had never heard anything about her except that she wasn't a part of my life.

"Yeah. Daddy loved her. Married her. He did what was right and stepped up. He quit racing and called his grandfather." I chuckle.

"The ink had barely dried on the marriage certificate before he was already an executive in the company in Texas."

I had often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't quit. Would she still have stayed around? Had an abortion?

"Everyone was thrilled. His grandpa finally had a Delacroix male in the company. Renee was thrilled to be rich and a socialite. Daddy was thrilled to have me and her. But….it didn't last."

Pulling my hand to his mouth, Jamie kissed the back of it and smiled at me encouragingly.

"It started small. When I was about 3, we started going to races a little here and there. Daddy was at home again. I remember him being so different than what I was used to. So…so… free."

I can still remember Charlie at the first turn. The hole shot. It's what they call that first curve. It's a good indicator at who will be dominating in the race. If you can get the hole shot, you've got one hellava chance to win.

"Then we went more and more. Renee didn't care. She was busy living the life and being Charlie Swan's wife. Soon, it became too addictive and Daddy missed it too much."

A small smile tugs at my lips and I can't help but think about how much I miss Charlie.

"At first, he just gave out small sponsorships. A couple grand here or there. Then, he decided he could help so many more riders. So….he quit."

Jamie's eyes got huge. "His job?"

"Yeah." I shook my head.

"Daddy had a huge inheritance. He never needed to work for the money really. It just made him feel better about taking it if he felt like he earned it. By the time he quit, he had quite an impressive savings and portfolio, so he lived off that."

Another lesson from Daddy- _invest wisely_. My own portfolio was proof of that.

"Renee was devastated. She liked the notoriety and constant cash flow. When Daddy quit, he cut her back…_way_ back."

"Oh, I bet she loved that?" Jamie smiled.

Taking a deep breath, I just let it come out.

"So much that she sold me." I said in a quiet voice.

Even after years of overcoming that small fact, it still hurt like hell.

"What?" He practically shouted.

Passengers all over the plane turned to look at him.

"Shhh." I smiled at them encouragingly.

"Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic. She came to Daddy and told him she would sign over all her rights to me for a few hundred thousand."

Jamie shook his head and pulled me into his chest.

This was why I needed him. Why he meant so much to me.

His pride, his own feelings, his own issues –nothing mattered as much as me.

"I never saw her again. It used to bother me, but I realize now that this was better than a mother who drifted in and out and never really cared."

I pulled back from his embrace and see the thing I hate. Pity.

One of the biggest reasons I don't tell people this crap.

"Don't feel bad for me though. I never felt slighted. Daddy always made up for it. I never went without affection or crazy amounts of love."

I smile. I can remember camping trips and dance recitals and that god-awful period talk when he tried to talk to me about using tampons. It was humiliating.

"Anyway, let's talk about something else."

Blowing out a huge breath. I went back to my story.

"Daddy started to sponsor riders that other people wouldn't take. High risks. He said it was a chance to give back. To take care of people who wouldn't normally ever get a shot. So…I grew up at the track. It was my home. The guys on the team….my family. I loved it….them."

I do miss it terribly. It was my world for so long.

"When I was 12, Alice's mom got killed and Uncle Will didn't want to be bothered with a kid, so, she came to live with us. Cousin Alice became Sis, overnight."

I smile and still remember picking her up from the airport that first day. Daddy had warned me in the car that it had only been 6 months since her mom died and she might be withdrawn and quiet still.

Withdrawn and quiet? Two words that have NEVER been used to describe Alice Swan. Ever.

"So, is that how you two met this group of friends you've warned me about? At the track?"

I chuckle at the idea. The guys. There's a story.

"Well, Daddy took on a new rider and he came with some baggage. Mostly, a best friend named Jasper."

"Ahhh, so we're to Jasper now." Jamie chuckled.

We had gone out on more than one occasion with Alice and Jazz and they all got along really well. He had loved them immediately and once they got over the fact that I was actually dating someone, they loved him too.

"Yeah. The new guy was a 250 rider, but Jazz was his 125 teammate. Alice was gone at first sight. Luckily, the feeling was pretty mutual. You couldn't pry them apart with a crowbar. She was 15 and he was 20, so it was a little, uh, scandalous."

Scandalous, alright. Life threatening was probably a better word. I can still hear Charlie hitting the roof in fury.

"Then Jasper's twin sister came along and brought her boyfriend, Emmett. He started working with the crew. I've never seen anyone rebuild a top end as quick as Em."

I smile. I miss Em. Probably more than anyone. Well, ok. Not _anyone_, but a lot.

"We just all became a family. Nearly inseparable. They were all out of high school and so they moved to the ranch in Montana." I chuckle and look up at the ceiling as I throw my head against the headrest, "and as soon as the last bell rang at school, I shot out of the door and got home as quick as possible."

"It's nice to see you open up, you know?" Jamie smiled at me.

"I really do miss them." I do. A lot.

"So what have you been running from in Charleston?"

Here it is.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

"A bad break-up."

There, I said it.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

"I figured that Bells. Care to elaborate?"

Do I?

No.

I'm not ready.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Not much to tell really. I was 22 and heartbroken. I just needed to get away. I did. I'm good now."

Yeah right. Did that sound convincing?

It certainly didn't to me.

Judging by the look on Jamie's face, I would say not to him either.

"Okay."

He pulled my hand to his lips, kisses it and smiles.

This is why I love him. He never pushes. Always patient. Always perfect.

As Jamie stares at me with endless devotion, I can see love in his eyes, I beg whomever is listening to send me some of it. I want to love this man so badly. I want to forget that Edward Cullen ever existed.

Pulling Jamie's hand to my mouth and closing my eyes while I inhale deeply, I just want to be with him. His comfort and unending acceptance are like a drug to me now.

Raising my eyebrows suggestively, I look up at him with a suggestive smirk.

"Wanna join the mile high club?" I lick my lips slowly and bite the corner while my smile spreads across my face.

"Bella…" He groaned.

"Meet me in 5 minutes." I get up and make my way to the bathroom. I know he'll be back here in 3. I couldn't wait.

~o0o~

I hate bag check. Like, really hate it. It never fails that no matter what someone has a luggage set that is so similar to mine that I can't ever tell if I'm getting the right one.

Maybe it's because I have cheap Target luggage. Wouldn't it be great to have some vintage Louis?

"I already got yours babe." Jamie called to me from a few feet from the door.

Perfect I tell ya. Just perfect that one.

"Bellabee!" I hear the tiny pixie tyrant _way_ before I see her.

"Alice? What are you doing here?"

I can see her skipping and jumping and clapping and I'm sure that any onlookers probably think she is on crack.

Nearly knocking the breath out of me when she hugs me, I close my eyes and smile so hard that my face feels like it's going to break. My best friend, my sister.

"I missed you so much." Alice whispers in my ear.

Fighting the tears that are stinging behind my eyelids, a giggle breaks out of my mouth.

"I know, sis. I know." I laugh into her hair.

I feel Jasper's arms wrap around the both of us and I reach behind Alice we create a pixie sandwich.

When we finally pull away in what feels like 30 minutes, Jasper and Jamie do that weird fist-bump, man hug thing and Alice and Jaime hug too.

"Good to see you, Jamie." Alice smiles up at him.

"Thanks, Allie." James throws his arm around her shoulder. "She's doing good." I hear him whisper in her ear, thinking I can't hear him.

Alice brings her hand up to his that is hanging off her arm and squeezes it.

"Thanks to you." I hear her say.

Jasper and I walk in front of them and I glance over to him and see him give me a smirk, he knows I can hear them.

"So Jazz, I'm sure you knew that we were supposed to take a taxi to your place?" We finally make it to the car and start to load our luggage.

"Well, Alice decid-" He was cut off by Alice jumping in front of him.

"Can't I just come see you at the airport?" She is basically throwing our luggage in the back as she speaks.

"Maybe I just missed you?" More luggage thrown.

As we finish loading and begin to pile in, buckling our seatbelts, I feel guilty because I hadn't considered that maybe Alice _couldn't_ stand staying away. It had only been 5 weeks since we last met up and I just assumed that she could handle waiting for us to get to her apartment.

"Alice!" Jasper warns looking into the rearview mirror to where she and I are seated in the backseat.

Alice lets out a huff and rolls her eyes.

"Okay, Okay." Alice turns to me with an expression I seldom see on her much these days…seriousness.

"We were afraid that we wouldn't be there because we needed to run an errand and I wasn't sure we would be back in time." Alice stated simply and I wasn't sure why that would be enough cause for her tone right now.

"Alice…" Jasper encouraged.

Taking a deep breath, she pulls her lip into her mouth, a signature Swan move for nervousness.

"There is this new prototype for a fork, something about the suspension, or blah, blah, blah. Anyway, Emmett just got it on and he and Jasper can't wait another second to try it out."

Okay. Still not following.

Alice must realize this because she takes another deep breath and her eyes connect with Jasper's.

"We are headed to the track to try it out and…"

I look toward Jasper and I swear he is about as pale as a sheet of paper.

"The team is running trials today for the tournament." His forehead scrunches in sorrow.

"The _whole_ team, Bella."

That's when I get what she is saying. The whole team, meaning their star 250 rider. The rider that nearly broke me. The rider who I once thought would be my husband.

In just a few short miles, Edward Cullen would be in life again….let's just hope I can keep him from my heart.

There you go guys! Hope you liked it. I already have the next chapter written, but I'm still editing it. I don't think it will be long before I post it.


	4. Why can't exes be ugly?

**I own nothing….except a strong dislike for these stupid exclaimers. I mean really? If I WERE Stephanie Meyer, would I be writing this or would I be writing something that was going to be published and bring me money? Anyway, yeah, I'm not her….this is not mine…blah, blah, blah….**

~o0o~

There are some smells that you will never forget. When I was thirteen, Daddy took me and Alice to the county fair and a little curly red-head threw up on the Ferris wheel. I still remember that smell. Sophomore year, Josh Erikson tried to feel me up at a Back-to-School dance and I can still smell the cheap cologne that he must have taken a bath in.

The smell of dirt and grass mixed with alcohol burning through a two stroke engine? I've never forgotten it and when we pulled up to the track today, it still made me weak in the knees.

Now here I stand, leaning up against an old, white plank board fence watching the boys fly around an old dirt track and suddenly I'm 19 again. I'm standing here in a Metel Mulisha tank-top and ripped jeans instead of the ballet flats and a belted sundress I actually put on this morning.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't Edward that I missed so much all these years…maybe it was this? I take a deep inhale, close my eyes and smile.

"You look right at home." I feel Alice lean on the fence beside me. Slowly opening my eyes, I come back to the present and remember how much I've changed, but this place has stayed the same.

Looking behind her I see that she is alone.

"Where are Jamie and Jasper?" I ask as I glance around the track and then back toward the pit area where the trailers full of parts sit beside the block buildings.

"I don't know, some shit about plugs and the correct pressure for tires." Alice waved her hand dismissing the thought.

"In all these years, you still don't know anything about racing do you?" I chuckle at her.

"Sweetie, all I need to know how to ride is the man wearing Number 394." She wiggles her eyebrows at me.

I laugh and see Jasper pull his bike toward the start line. He's already changed into his pants and boots, but he has left his cutoff tee on.

"I see that Jamie still worships the ground you walk on." She turns around and leans her back against the fence.

I smile and look over to the line where Jamie stands with Jasper and few other guys. Thankfully, none of them have sex-hair.

"Yeah," I pull my hand up to my forehead in an effort to block the sun. "Things are great…_He_ is great."

Alice turns back around and watches the boys at the line.

"He really is, isn't he?"

She blows out a shaky breath.

"I guess, I just kept waiting for you two to work things out and get it together, you know? But now I see," She looks at Jamie again.

"Maybe this _is_ better for you after all."

Reaching over, Alice pats my hand that is laid on the rail and we both go back to watching Jasper. He pulls to the line, waits for one of the guys to give a mock wave in place of a flag and takes off.

Watching him, I had forgotten how good Jasper is. I've never really been one to pay a lot of attention to 125 races, so I don't have much to compare it to, but he does look good. Good balance, perfect throttle control and his shifting is flawless.

As he pulls back to the line, I see him shake his head and I know that he isn't happy about something. As the boys start rolling the bike back over toward the trailers, Alice and I chuckle and head that way too.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't walk with bated breath and eyes that constantly scan my surroundings. I know my chances of getting out of here unseen are slim, but it's worth a shot.

As we approach the tent, I see Jasper talking to a huge, behemoth of a man and I don't recognize him. That is, until I hear his laugh and I see the perfectly manicured hand that slaps him upside his head.

"Em?" I ask incredulously.

Swinging his head around so quickly I thought it might snap off, his sweet dimpled face breaks out in a huge grin and before I know it, I'm swept up in the air.

"Bellabee?" He laughs and squeezes me at the same time.

"I can't believe it's actually you!" He nearly shouts.

"Me?" I ask, still vied in his arms.

"Look at you, you have to be at least 50 lbs. and a hell of a lot of muscle bigger than when I last saw you!" I pull my upper half away and look at his chest and arms. It's true. Emmett was always a thick guy, but never cut like this. He looks like a bodybuilder.

"Damn Emmett. Put her down so I can get a crack at her!" I hear sharp tongue lash at him.

Emmett places me on the ground and the blonde beauty just as quickly sweeps me in her arms.

"Oh Bella…" Rosalie chokes out.

I know she is fighting tears, because Rosalie Hale, correction, McCarty, never cries unless she has to and unfortunately, I've seen it far too many times in the past.

"I know Rose," I give her one last squeeze and pull away from her but keep our hands locked and I pull them up and out to create a circle while I look at her round belly.

"You look even more beautiful, Rose." I smile at her.

Dropping her hand from mine, she rolls her eyes and lovingly pats her stomach.

"Do I? I don't feel it! In fact, I'm not even sure if I have shoes on right now because I haven't seen my feet in months!"

Rose and I have kept in touch, though not as much as Alice, and I knew she was close to her due date.

I wave my hand at her and watch as Emmett limps over to her and places his hand on her stomach and kisses her cheek. It's such a beautiful and private moment that I have to fight the urge to look away. When I do, I realize that Jasper and Jamie had walked up during my reunion and I decide to introduce Jamie.

I smile at him and reach my right arm toward him.

He smiles back and walks over to join me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Jamie, this is Rosalie and Emmett McCarty. Rose, Em….this is Jamie Montgomery." I place my hand on Jamie's chest and look up into his eyes. There is an emotion there I've never seen. I'm not sure what it is, but it's gone in a second and he reaches out and shakes their hands.

"Congratulations on the baby." He tells Emmett and then looks to Rose.

"Pregnancy suits you. Do you know the sex?"

Emmett pats Rose's stomach and scrunches his nose.

"This is my little lady bug, Samantha." Jamie smiles and I can tell he already likes them.

They talk a few minutes about the pregnancy before Jasper interrupts them and starts to talk to Emmett about the issue with the prototype.

"Come on Jazz….can't we take the day off for the arrival of the prodigal daughter?" Em requests. Jasper blows out a quick huff and throws his helmet on the table. "Fine."

Alice rolls her eyes and mumbles something about dramatics.

"Bella, you know you aren't going to get away from us tonight!" Rose exclaims. "I may not be able to drink, but we can still go out."

Alice begins jump up and down and squeal. "What about that karaoke bar that Bella used to love!" I groan because as I recall, _Alice_ loved that bar…not me.

"Yeah, and now that Bella had introduced us all, we can grill Jamie about what our Bellabee has been up to the past 4 years!" Em exclaims.

"I don't think she's introduced _all_ of us." I hear a velvety smooth voice say from behind me and instantly my pulse quickens and my heart races.

Taking a deep breath and turning around, my throat goes dry and my lip automatically finds its way between my teeth.

Standing there in all his glory is Edward Cullen. Why don't exes do what they are supposed to and get fat and ugly? I mean, here he is, with that beautiful smile and that hair that my fingers are literally itching to dig into.

Of course, there are a few things that have changed. He's bigger too. I wonder if he and Em work out together?

The biggest difference is the tattoos. When we had been together he had a few, a band on his arm, an Alpine Stars emblem on his shoulder and a Metal Mulisha skull on the inside of his arm. But now? Well, I can only see what is peeking out from the t-shirt that I have to admit covers more than I would like, but it looks like both arms have half sleeves and probably on his back. Damn, he knows tattoos make me weak in the knees.

I had forgotten how amazing he looks in riding pants. As I recall, so amazing that I once insisted he leave them on a few rounds in the back of one of these trailers.

He looks the same, yet so different. The last time I saw him, he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Now, he looks lighter….almost younger even though it's been 4 years and he is nearly 30 now.

"Hey." I smile at him, hoping it looks more convincing than it feels.

I see his eyes rake my body and I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I hope Jamie didn't notice or the fact that I can feel moisture already gathering between my legs.

"Hello, Bella." He voice is deep and rich and just like I remember it.

Our eyes lock for so long that I forget where I am and who is around me. All I can remember is that voice in my ear, those hands holding my hips, his body against mine…

Thank God for Rose who fakes a sneeze and snaps me back to reality.

I smile and motion to Jamie, "This is Jamie. Jamie, this is Edward."

As always, Jamie looks friendly, polite and easily steps over to shake Edward's hand.

"Edward was my dad's first sponsorship." I offer hopefully, praying that it distracts everyone from what just transpired.

As if on cue, Edward pours on the Cullen charm that we all know so well. He starts to smooze Jamie and I can see that Jamie already loves him like everyone else that has ever come into contact with him. He just has that infectious personality.

"What do you say Edward, wanna come out with us tonight? Maybe tell me some embarrassing stories about Bella?" Jamie asks hopefully.

A quiet tension falls over the group and Edward's eyes flick to me.

"Stories about Bella? Of course." He says to Jamie…but his eyes never leave mine.

~o0o~

As Jamie sits up front with Jasper in the car, I can't help but pick at the loose thread on the edge of my skirt. It's brand new, bought specifically for this situation which I had enough sense to know would eventually happen.

In the years since I have been gone, a lot about me has changed. In all reality, I guess I didn't so much change as I grew up. We all have to do it eventually and my method included a better wardrobe and a new appreciation for heels and bikini waxes. It's amazing what a few years and heartbreak will do to you.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I spent a couple days buying new outfits and I may or may have not spent a little extra at the salon getting caramel highlights and a trim.

Alice's hand finds its way to my shoulder and she gives me an encouraging smile across the back seat.

If I have to do this, I am so glad that she is with me.

No one knows the things she does. No one saw what I went through….how bad it got.

She's the only one.

As we pull into the parking lot, I get out and straighten my skirt, pull my boobs up into position and make sure my hair is in place and there isn't any black smudged under my eyes.

When we get inside, I see that Em and Rose are sitting at a table in the corner and Emmett is already on his second beer.

"Hey guys." Jasper nods to Emmett and gives Rose a kiss on the cheek as he sits down. We all follow suit and I can't help but to admit that I'm disappointed that I don't see Edward. Had he forgotten? Did he not want to come?

Conversation flows easily the first 30 minutes we are there and Jamie fits in perfectly. Like he has always been a part of us. They talk to him about his work, Charleston and our life there together. I wish I could admit that I was a part of the conversation, but in truth, I spent the last 30 minutes looking through the crowd trying to find that mop of bronze hair.

"It was hilarious, wasn't it Bella?" Alice asks , her eyes wide as she tries to pull me back into the conversation. I should have known she would notice my inattention.

"Totally." I smile sweetly, pretending I have a clue what they are talking about and take another sip of my LIT.

You know when you read those stupid romance novels from Wal-Mart with the half naked cowboy on the cover and it talks about "feeling" him before you see him? Well, that's bullshit. I didn't 'feel' him before he sat down….but I did feel his hand graze my shoulder blade as he took a seat beside me. I wish I didn't feel the shot down my spine that settled between my legs…but I did.

"Where you been man?" Emmett questions Edward with a mouth full of fries.

"Gosh, sweetie, I don't know how we would have made it without you spewing fries all over the table!" Rose bats her eyelashes at him and smiles sweetly. We all laugh, and I'm overtaken with sadness as I realize how many laughs….how many nights like this, hanging out with the only 'family' I have left, that I have missed.

"The guys were just telling stories about Bella and how much of a spitfire she used to be." Jamie chuckled and leaned over to kiss my nose.

I smile and look down. It's true. I used to be a lot more passionate and quick-tempered….and okay, foul-mouthed, than I am now. Jamie's Bella learned to polish herself up and realized that you get a lot farther with sugar than vinegar.

"Bella? A firecracker? NEVER!" Edward claimed sarcastically.

Everyone laughed.

"We were telling Jamie about that sponsor that shot you that lowball offer and she told him to go fuck himself!" Rose cackled out.

"Oh, like you haven't ever done something like that?" Alice pointed her fork toward Rosalie.

"Need I remind you of that guys that was grinding on Bella in that club and YOU pulled his hair and kneed him in the groin when he wouldn't take her no as an answer!" Alice was almost all the way out of her seat.

Edward looked up at me and our eyes met. We both knew the instance she was talking about. He had been across the bar getting drinks when it happened. He was pissed that Rose got ahold of the guy and he didn't. When we got home that night, he needed to claim me so bad that he bent me over the railing of the porch and took me, making me cum so hard I could barely get out of bed the next day.

"Well, the prick should have noticed the rock on her hand and took that as a hint!" Rosalie said matter of factly. The table got very quiet and very tense all at once. I knew that my family was quiet because it undoubtedly brought up the elephant in the room as far as Edward and I were concerned, but that wasn't my focus at the moment. I was more concerned with the man that sat at my side.

"Wait a minute." Jamie held his hand up.

"You were engaged?" He looked at my with a wide mouth, his eyes full of curiosity and hurt.

~o0o~

So, I have given up on finding a Beta. I have even tried to find one using those Beta sites and still can't find one! I guess I am destined to go this alone….hmmm…..so, forgive any mistakes!


	5. Our life, in ruins

**Don't own…wish I did….yeah, yeah.**

**Sorry this took me a little longer to get out to you, I just had so much trouble writing this chapter. I don't know why, exactly, just did.**

**As always, I have no beta , so all mistakes are totally mine!**

There are a few times in my life that I thought that it could be true about hearing a pin drop….this isn't one of them. Almost as soon as Jamie asks the question, the table bursts into activity. Rose and Emmett are trying to shift the focus to the waitress who has finally approached the table to get Edward's order and Alice is trying to explain the situation while Jasper sits quietly at her side.

In truth, why hadn't I told Jamie? Why hadn't I just told him all about my past and Edward? I guess I wasn't ready to have my wound ripped open. They aren't healed at all. They are kinda on that day two scab when you know if you rip it off, it's still going to be just as fresh as the moment you did it.

So now, here I sit with this amazing guy who has been everything to me for the last year and I can't stand the hurt look in his eyes and the fact that I put it there.

Taking a deep breath, I glance toward Edward. He just sits there with his head down, looking at the table with his jaw clenched. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that everyone at the table, probably especially him, is wondering why I hadn't told Jamie.

"It was a long time ago…." I try to make the statement strong and confident as I take the last drink of my LIT.

"You didn't think that was the kind of thing that you should mention? I mean, just like the story of you cussing out that sponsor? I've never even heard you say more than shoot when you stub your toe." Jamie raises his eyebrows at me with open eyes.

Breathing a heavy breath out of my nose, I muster all my strength to mutter one of the most bold faced lies I have ever told. "It didn't matter."

From the corner of my vision I can see Edward's already closed eyes squeeze tight for a moment.

"Do you need another LIT, miss?" The waitress asks me. She's young, maybe 22, and I can't help but notice the way she smiles a little too long at Jamie. It's cute. She is too young to realize he isn't interested, but he is a sweetheart so he tries to be as nice as possible without hurting her feelings.

"Sure." I hand her my glass and Jamie gives her a sweet smile and asks for another whiskey sour. She glances down and then flutters her eyes back up to him and he gives a little nod before wrapping his arm around the back of my chair and leaning in to me. It's one of those, 'thanks, but I'm good,' gestures. I've come to know them pretty well. Jamie gets hits on…a lot, but he's always nice about it and to be honest? I kinda love it. It makes me feel like I'm special because all these women want him and he wants me. Whats a girl to do?

After realizing she isn't getting anywhere with him she makes her way around the table to everyone else and I'm thankful for the same reprieve she's given me to try and figure out a way to come up with something.

I'm mad at myself for not coming up with something before now. I'm mad at myself for not just being able to tell Jamie the truth and more than anything? I'm mad at myself that my earlier comment and any that I am about to make may hurt Edward. Why should I care? After everything he has put me through…..

I've never been one to believe in divine intervention, but I must have been granted a little and God must be on my side, because miraculously, Jamie drops it and starts talking to Emmett. I breathe a sigh of relief and chance a look at Edward. I am shocked to see pain on his face, but more than that….anger.

"So, what time should I be there tomorrow?" Jamie asks Emmett while he receives his new drink from our waitress.

"Probably 9 or so? That sound okay?"

"What are you guys doing?" I wonder as I pour a little salt on my napkin to keep the glass from sticking to it.

"Oh, Emmett and Jasper invited me to go out with them to try out a new bike with Edward." Jamie is so casual that I try to not flip my lid.

The waitress brings Edward his drink and lightly skims his hand with her own and she pulls it back from sitting down the glass.

"Can I get anything else for you?" The waitress smiles so sweetly at him and bends over slightly so her cleavage is spilling out of her cheap, polyester uniform. What the hell? Two seconds ago she was over here trying to hit on Jamie and now she's about to crawl in Edward's lap? Tramp. Trying to rub up on everyone….who does she think she is? That blonde hair? SO not natural and that orange spray on tan? Come on!

"No, I'm good right now." Edward throws her his smirk…._MY_ smirk. The one that he only gives me. Or….gave me.

"Well, if you need another Coke or you change your mind…" She trails off, raising her eyebrow suggestively and walking away with just a little more sway than she came with.

Slut.

"Coke?" I question. I glance around the table and notice that we are all consuming alcohol….well, except for Rose obviously.

"Yeah….Coca Cola? You know, red can? Fat man in a red suit on it around December?" Edward retorts and throws the glass back.

To the outside world, it just looks like he is being a smart ass, but I know better. He's throwing down the gauntlet and trying to get a rise out of me. Well, well, Edward Cullen, time for you to realize that I'm not the same girl you once knew. I won't bite.

"So, are you gonna be gone long tomorrow? We still have to unpack our luggage." I ask Jamie and turn my attention away from Edward.

We had only unpacked our carry-ons to come here tonight. Rule number 1 of flying? Always carry your personal products and your favorite outfit in your carry on.

"Probably not too long, right Em?" Jasper threw in, trying to lighten the conversation as he hummed to the music.

"Nah, just gonna ride a little while, get Jamie on a bike, maybe?" Emmett clapped his large hand on Jamie's shoulder.

"Maybe." He raised her eyes suggestively and wrapped his arm around the back of my chair.

A song started and Alice and Rosalie pulled their respective partners to the dance floor as one particularly good contestant put on quite a good show.

"Babe, I'm going to run outside and call Peter. He ask me to call him when I decided if I was going to teach that summer course and I need to tell him what books I want to assign." Jamie kissed my forehead and smiled at me before nodding at Edward and leaving the table.

Leaving me alone….with Edward Cullen.

I turned my head toward the gang dancing on the floor and smiled at them while taking a sip from my drink.

"You gonna ignore me the rest of this trip?" Edward spoke so low that I had trouble hearing him over the music.

"Of course not Edward, you're going out riding tomorrow with my boyfriend, how could I ignore you?"

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"He seems like a good guy. " I can't believe he just admitted that. The most jealous man that I have ever known _actually_ just said that to me.

"He is. And I hope that you will be discreet tomorrow?" I really don't want to hurt Jamie. He has been so good to me and if we make it through this alive, it will be a blessing.

Edward just stared at me for a minute before speaking.

"Why didn't you tell him about me? About us?"

Anger shot through me. Like a bull, all I could see was red and my inner-monologue started chanting, "charge!" But I had worked hard to refine myself and grow up and letting Edward Cullen get back under my skin wasn't the right way to do it.

Everyone but Jamie returned to the table and sat down. I attempted to turn back to them and ignore Edward, but he wasn't having it.

"Answer me Bella. Why haven't you told Jamie about the man you lived with? That you were going to marry?" That anger was back, but this time, it was clouding his eyes, not mine. His jaw was clenched and his eyes narrowed. He looked the same as he had earlier when I mentioned to Jamie that my past didn't matter.

"Edward, this isn't appropriate and re-hashing the past isn't…."

"Bullshit!" Edward practically screamed at me, cutting me off. Thank God for the loud music or everyone would be looking at us right now.

"I think you didn't tell him because you are afraid. Afraid of pulling out old feelings that aren't quite as buried as you thought they were."

Clenching my jaw, I fought the anger that was just simmering at the surface.

_Don't let him get to you, Bella._

"What? You think you didn't need to tell him about your past? What about who you are? He doesn't know that either! He doesn't know you cuss? Or what about this?" Edward gestures up and down the length of my body.

"High heels and summer dresses? What about your jeans? Where is that girl who used to be a spitfire? Who would just as soon to tell you to go to hell before she put up with bullshit."

_Deep breaths, Bella._

I turned my attention toward the guys. Emmett was still eating, though his eyes were the size of quarters and Alice and Rose clung to each other while breathing heavily. Jasper, God bless him, seemed to be staring toward the door, keeping a lookout for Jamie.

"Edward, that's all ancient history." I said calmly and took another sip of my drink, determined not to let him see any sign of weakness. I had been weak around this man too many times.

Edward leaned forward and his breathing became erratic. He reached over and placed his hand so close to mine that we could almost touch.

"Does he even know how to make you scream? That you love being taken from behind in the shower? Or how you love it hard and fast so you can grip the headboard so hard that it moves the whole bed? Or the growl you make when your legs are up around your head?"

My heart dropped, my mouth flew open and the anger was there.

"Fuck you." I seethed at Edward and jumped out of the seat before stomping out toward the exit. I couldn't believe he just said that to me.

What gave him the right to say that?

Of course Jamie and I have a good sex life. Maybe it isn't as adventurous and wild as mine with Edward had been, but we were adults now and not seventeen any more.

Shaking my head, I couldn't believe that he said that to me!... And I can't believe that my panties were wet either.

~o0o~

Back at the table, everyone simply looked at Edward like he had grown another head.

"What in the hell are you doing?" Rose nearly shouted at him.

"We finally got her back in the state and now you're just gonna run her off again!"

Edward just shook his head and smirked. He had needed to be sure.

"Don't worry guys." He took a drink from his glass and slowly smiled, biting the corner of his lip.

He had seen her. Ever since she had been home he had noticed her new look, her new attitude and to be honest, it was sexy as hell. Bella in heels? Fuck. Yes. But in all that, he hadn't seen _his_ Bella.

Till now.

She was there, all piss and vinegar, just under the surface and now that he knew she was still there, he wasn't letting her go this time. He had let her walk away from him once and it nearly killed him. He knew better now.

Edward took a deep breath and looked at his friends, "I'm not going to let that girl go anywhere."


	6. The Clothes Make the Woman

**I don't own. Blah, blah.**

I've never loved mornings. I have never really hated them either. They just kinda…were. This morning? Not on that list. When I woke up, groggily and remembering why I don't drink much, my bed was empty. After leaving the club last night, Jamie and I hardly spoke and once we got home, he just changed and went to bed. Facing away from me. So un-like Jamie.

So here I am, showering in Alice's bathroom, listening to her stupid little dogs bark and dreading the upcoming conversation that I know Jamie and I are going to have soon.

Since the dinner last night, my mind has been on crazy overdrive. I can't help but question why I didn't just come clean with Jamie. Why didn't I just tell him who Edward was? That would be a great reason to keep the two of them away from each other and they would definitely not be going out riding like they are today.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that at the forefront of my mind, I am the most filled with thoughts on Edward's comments. Sure, he had been a huge ass at the end of our relationship, but not like that. I would also be lying if I didn't admit that it turned me on a little to remember that part of our lives. Of course Jamie and I have a great sex life, but it wasn't quite like it was Edward. He was my first and everything that entails.

"Bella?" I can hear Alice's voice coming through the bathroom door, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Breakfast is on the table. Uh…"

I can tell whatever she is saying; she must want it to be private.

"Come in Alice, it's not like you haven't seen it before." Plus, the glass is textured, so she'll only see my shape anyway.

"I just wanted you to know that Jasper and I are going to go out into the garage and start getting the bikes ready. I thought you and Jamie might want a little privacy." She gives me a sad smile and I realize that moment that I have been dreading has suddenly come a little sooner than I had imagined.

"Thanks honey. I appreciate that."

She turns to leave but gives me one last look.

"He's a good man. Treat him like one, okay?" She pulls the door open and starts to leave.

"What are you talking about Alice? I thought you were on my side?"

Letting out a breath she looks me in the eyes and I can see her serious face.

"I am Bella, but I don't want you to hurt him. He has been nothing but great for you."

"Alice, you make it sound like we are going to break up. Why are you so sure that I am going to hurt him? Why can't _he_ be my future?"

With a grim smile and one foot out the door, Alice gives me her honesty in full force.

"Because he's not Edward."

After she is gone and I am finishing my shower, I wonder where her head is. Only yesterday she was telling me that she was glad I had met him and that maybe he was the best thing for me and now? Now, she back to where she started.

After I make it downstairs, I see Jamie sitting at the table with a huge spread of breakfast in front of him. Alice really went all out.

"Good morning." I say as I make my way to the coffee pot.

"I've already got it over here." Jamie says as he gestures to the cup that is sitting by the plate. The plate –might I add, that is full of my favorites.

"Thank you." As I sit and we begin to eat, I keep wondering how to bring up last night. How do you start a conversation like that?

"Why didn't you tell me that you were engaged?" Jamie just took the words from my mouth and started the conversation for me.

With a huge sigh and a tight closing of my eyes, I take a breath.

"I wish I could tell you. I really do, Jamie. I guess…..it never came up? I don't know. At first I didn't want to talk about it and then, too much time had passed." I push the food around my plate and try to find words to explain something that I really don't understand myself.

"Did you love him?" Jamie asked and then quickly scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure you did or you wouldn't have been marrying him, right?" It's a question, but he isn't really looking for an answer.

I take a long drink out of my cup and look out toward the garage where I'm sure Alice is trying to hear our conversation.

"Yeah, I did. A lot." I take a huge breath and lean forward, resting my arms on the table as I blow it out.

"He was my everything, my world. " I can feel my eyes stinging as I struggle to bite back the tears.

"There was an accident and it drove us apart. I finally had all I could take and I left." I finally look up from the table and meet Jamie's gaze.

"I won't lie to you, Jamie. You deserve better than that. More."

Leaning back again, I feel like I can't sit still, can't concentrate.

"I loved him so long and _so_ hard that it nearly killed me when we split up and some days, that heavy weight still sits on my chest, Jamie. I thought it would go away you know?" My lip is quivering; I really don't want to cry.

"Baby." Jamie gets up from his chair and pulls me into his arms.

"I know what that weight feels like. I do. After Tori was killed, it felt like I would never get out from under it. Like I would suffocate, but time made it easier."

I've had time. 4 years of it.

"I promise you, it will get better." He kisses my forehead and I can't ignore the overwhelming shame that fills my every pore. This man is more incredible than I deserve.

"I'm sorry, this is crazy." I say, wiping my tears from my eyes and being so thankful that he is so understanding.

"I get it, Bella. I do." He is amazing.

"There are still days that I miss her so bad it hurts."

Victoria was Jamie's wife. A beautiful redhead that looked so full of life from the pictures that I have seen. But, a drunk driver took that from her and from her 6 month old baby when he got behind the wheel one night. I remember the night Jamie sobbed into my arms and told me the story. It made me feel selfish for not being appreciative.

Taking a deep breath, I know I have to pull it together; it's crazy that I'm drowning in the past when I have such an amazing future staring at me.

Hearing a truck rumble up the drive, it only takes about 2 seconds to figure out whose it is. Black exterior, black and chrome rims and a door that would take a running jump to get up into? Yep, that is Edward Cullen's truck I would bet money.

My suspicions are confirmed when he gets out of the driver's door followed by a bickering Emmett and Rosalie.

Why does he have to be so good-looking? I just want him to look hideous one day! Just one day! Of course, at this point I realize that I look pretty shitty right now. At least I have on my silk robe and good house slippers. Maybe that will overshadow the fact that my wet hair is still plastered to my face and there are still black smudges under my eyes from not wiping from under them after my shower.

Alice and Jasper climb on the back deck with us and everyone follows. Of course, Emmett immediately goes for the food that Jamie put on the table, but I don't mind, I don't think I could eat anyway.

"You guys ready?" Jasper asks, but I'm pretty sure he has directed that toward me and Jamie.

"Yeah, let me go grab my wallet." Jamie says with a little too much enthusiasm.

After he leaves, an awkward silence falls over the group. It's apparent to everyone that we all remember the words that were spoken last night.

"Look, Bella. I'm sorry about last night, okay?" He isn't being genuine. Edward forgets that I know him better than anyone. Well, I assume that. I guess I don't actually know him. Or I haven't in the last four years. It hurts too much to think that there may be someone else out there who knows him more now.

"Look, Edward. Let's just forget it okay?" I beg him with my eyes. _Please, please, please make this easy on me. _

Raking his hand through his hair, a signature Cullen move, my heart twists a little.

"Sure, B." He doesn't look so sure.

"Alright guys, let go see how many bones we can break." Jamie jokes as he walks over to me and places his arm around my waist. "I'll see you later, Babe." Jamie pecks me on the cheek. He looks to be pretty excited about his trip and I can only pray the boys go easy on him. Your first time can be kind of rough and Jamie doesn't know anything about moto.

As the group moves down toward the truck, with the girls following their significant others, I grab Edward's hand and pull him back toward me as the group moves on out to loading the truck in the driveway.

As soon as I touch him, I regret it. Damn heartbeat racing. Wish that thing would get in tune with my head. At least one of them know he isn't supposed to be affecting me like this. I can't help but notice that Edward is a little too excited that I have pulled him to me, so I drop his hand immediately.

"Look, I still haven't told him about us. So, be discreet please?"

He does that thing where he twists the bottom half of his jaw to the side and sticks his tongue in one of his jaw teeth. He always did it to drive me crazy when he didn't want to agree with me on something. It is a cocky little smirk that I hate to admit, I didn't even realize I missed.

"One condition." He motions his head toward the drive where the gang is loading up. "Tell me why you didn't tell him about us."

What do I say? How do I answer a question that I don't even have the answer to? A question that I have asked myself so many times over the past few hours.

Closing my eyes, I drop my guard, just for a moment, but it's gone. I wish I knew the right words. I wish I had some magic phrase that would make him realize what I went through. The pain he caused me. But instead, I say the only thing that I can come close to believing was the real reason I never said anything to Jamie.

"Because it hurt too much."

Dropping my head to the ground and turning to go back into the house, I can barely hear him.

"Bella." He's started down the steps and toward the garage but he has turned the upper half of his body toward me.

"I think you know that we are going to have to talk about everything eventually." He clenches his jaw and it makes me wonder if maybe he has hurt too. "You should know, no matter how messed up everything got. There was never a time…not a single fucking second that you didn't own every part of me." He gaze holds mine but a second longer and then he's gone.

I barely even have time to process this before Alice and Rose have joined me back on the deck and Rose has her arm wrapped around my shoulder and Alice is staring at me with those eyes that say 'I love you, but you're an idiot.'

"Say it Alice." I practically have to choke out because I am trying so hard to not cry. Owned him? Owned him. He has no idea what I went through. The pain of watching him fall apart and push me away for a year. Owned him? Fuck him.

"You're fucked." Short. Simple. To the point. So Alice.

I chuckle and wipe the wayward tear from under my eye.

"See why I stayed away for so long? Things are too hard here. Back home, everything is simple and light." I pull my robe closer to my body, knowing I want the security of the action more than the warmth of the material.

"Sweetheart, this _is_ home." Rose says as she presses her temple against mine.

"You know what I mean." As we walk back toward the French doors, I realize that if I'm ever going to move on, I'm going to have to talk to Edward eventually. God, I really don't want to. At all. I would have to lay everything bare and tell him all the things that I have locked away and never want to remember.

"Umm, Bella, you don't happen to own a pair of hot pink thongs with a black lace-up bow in the front, do you?" Rose asks while looking away from me toward the kitchen. I can't help but look down; can you see through my robe? I don't remember putting those on this morning, but I was pretty out of it when I got out of the shower.

"Yeah, why?"

Rose doubles over in laughter. She can hardly breathe through all that baby in her belly. Then I see her point and I nearly have a heart attack. There, in the middle of Alice's kitchen floor are the thongs in question, shredded and hanging out of Alice's yippy little dog's mouth.

"Oh no, Alice!" I shout as I follow the trail of clothing. Between the two of the little ankle-biters, I bet I don't have a single item of clothing that isn't shredded, pissed on or full of dog shit.

~o0o~

I'm sitting here in front of the vanity with rollers in my hair, trying to breathe through my nose…calmly. I've been sitting here for 45 minutes trying to do my hair and make-up while Alice claims to rustle me up some clothes. Because nearly everything I had in my suitcase, everything, is gone. My new dresses, my favorite pair of jeans, even my new black pumps that I just bought 5 days ago are ruined! Fucking dogs. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have left the case open on the bed, but I don't have animals in my house! I don't know these things.

This vacation went from _shitty_ to 'I need to take my ass home.'

"Hey, here you go." Alice packs a pile of familiar clothes in the room. Several actually. Standing and looking at them, I realize why they look so familiar. They're mine. Well, they were.

"I'll let you get dressed and then we'll run to the mall and pick you up some underwear. I know that bra can't be comfortable." Alice snickers and leaves the room. She is right though, it really, really isn't. Rose is a lot bigger than me and Alice is a lot smaller, so here I am in Alice's training bra, being squeezed to death. Okay, so it's not really a training bra, but it feels like one.

Picking up the clothes, I'm assaulted with so many memories. Fox t-shirts, an Alpine Stars hoodie, and I can't help but chuckle when I pick up the faded and worn pair of DVS slippers and I remember how much I wanted these. Edward bought them for me as happy Wednesday gift. It all still smells like I used to, that strawberry body wash and shampoo I used to use. Checking behind me to make sure Alice is gone, I sniff the shirt that was at the bottom of the pile, the one I have been trying to avoid but can't.

It was Edwards. He won it his rookie year and when he outgrew it, I stole it. I used to wear it to bed nearly every night. Pulling it to my nose and burying practically my entire head in it, I realize it still smells like him. Going from shirt to shirt, I realize they all do. How pathetic is that? Even then he was the center of my world. Why can't I just pretend he never existed?

~o0o~

Walking through the small shopping center, I feel like I've stepped back in time 4 years. Here I am, with Rose and Alice (granted Rose is a lot bigger around the middle now) wearing ripped jeans and a FMF tank, and I must be 18 again.

"Ohh, Carter's is having a sale!" Alice squeals and makes a b-line for the store.

"I swear, you would think that _she_ is the one having the baby. I bet Samantha already has every outfit in there. She buys her something every time she comes!" Rose chuckles. She is so beautiful. Of course, Rosalie Hale-McCarty always was. But to see her as a mom? She is breathtaking.

As we browse through the store, my heart hurts a little. Tiny little socks and precious baby shoes. Sometimes I wonder if my baby would have been a boy with Edward's crazy copper hair or a girl with his beautiful green eyes. I wonder if I'll ever be a mom…if I will ever _want_ to be again?

"Bella Swan?" As soon as I hear the voice, my temper spikes and I see red. Damn these old clothes! It must be them, because when I was dressed in my summer dress, I was cool and calm and now in this stupid outfit, I feel like I'm that 20 year old hot head again!

"Bree Tanner." Not a question. A statement. Stupid bitch.

"Look at you. _Exactly_ the same." Coming from someone else's mouth, I wouldn't think much of it, but from her mouth? A barb, for sure.

I can't really say that she looks all that different either. Well, minus the new nose and boobs. She looks like the same cheap skank that she was then.

She walks forward and wraps her fake nails around my arms and pushes her fake boobs in my vision, and air-kisses on each side of the face. I hate when people do that, what does that even mean?

Bree Tanner was a girl that was obsessed with Edward while we were in high school. In all honesty, they were kind of going on when I came into the picture and he told me that she gave him head once. Gahh! That thought makes me want to puke in my mouth. All she ever wanted was to be on the arm of the best rider at the race. Attention starved and all that.

"I heard about your dad, I'm sorry. I'm sure Edward was just crushed. I know how close they were." She picks up a onesie and looks at it. Like I wouldn't notice how she just snuck his name in there?

"Thank you, Bree." I turn and move toward the back of the store where Alice and Rose seem to be distracted by a display of PJ's. Really guys? Can't you see that I am corned up here?

"Do you see him often?" She giggles, "Edward, I mean." Spinning on my heels, I turn back toward her and realize that I wasn't going to get away quite that easy.

Technically I saw him just this morning. Technically he isn't interested in you. Technically, you might know what his dick tastes like, but I know what it feels like.

Oh god. Did I really just think that?

"In passing. He's fine."

"Oh good, I know how bad things got after that whole accident mess. I was so glad to hear that he was cleared and no charges were pressed, you know? I know how messed up he got afterward and…"

"Bree! I thought I smelled cheap perfume." Rose smirked at her with her hand on her hip. Thank God she came to save me!

"Rosalie Hale. I would ask how things were but I can see that you've been, uh, busy?" She sneered at Rose's belly like she was 15 and knocked up.

Logical thought just left my brain and I can't remember any desire other than to punch her in the face.

"Bree," I start with the sweetest voice I can muster." Obviously in the four years since I last saw you, you still have no fucking clue _or_ tact. Rosalie is married and expecting her first child. A wonderful time for her. So you'll excuse the three of use, who have grown up, are happy and, oh I don't know, have fucking lives that we need to get back to. We've wasted enough brain cells talking to you." And with that, we left.

Once we got back to the side walk, Alice and Rose just gawked at me. My anger was starting to dissipate and I was glad I got that off my chest. It felt really good. Maybe 4 years of being proper had helped to create all this tension in me all the time.

"What?" I question as we throw the bags in the back of the car.

"There you are." Rosalie grins.

Huh? Of course I'm here. We rode together. I start toward the passenger side and I can hear them talking quietly saying something about 'He was right.'

Before I can question them about it, the phone rings and its Jamie. Just what I need to calm me down.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Babe. How's it going?"

"Good, we just finished up at the mall; I had to pick up some underwear and bras."

Silence on the other end.

"Why?"

As I tell him about the disaster that was this morning, I thought he would feel bad for me after Cujo and Killer ate all my clothes, but much like Alice and Rose, he just laughed at me.

"Well, it's good that Alice had some of your clothes left, right?"

"Yeah." Even if I look like an idiot who is yelling and cussing at everyone. " Are you having a good time?"

"A blast, baby. This is a lot of fun. I wish we had already done this before! It's awesome. Such a rush, you know?" He sounds so happy.

"I actually called because we ran into someone who wanted to talk to you, hold on a second."

I could hear him passing off the phone and mumbled voices. Who could he be talking about?

"Bellabee?" As soon as I hear her voice I have to fight back tears. Smooth honey pouring over me. I instantly see a little girl crying over her first period, talking about my first date with Riley Biers, learning to put on eyeliner.

"Moma Es." I barely choke out.

"Oh Baby, get your butt over to the track and see me and Pops."

At this point, I'm crying so hard I can hardly talk but I think she can understand me. "I'm on my way."

**I hope you guys liked it! I know it's been a long time, but I will be honest, I hadn't gotten a lot of response so I hadn't been inclined to update much, but for some reason I started to get more reviews and interest in the story, so I started working on it again. Funny how that happens, huh?**

**As of now, (I created a new outline) the story has 16 chapters and an epilogue. You got some more clues to the past this chapter and they will just keep coming from here on out. My goal is to have this completed by the end of the year. We'll see. Review and I will get the next out even faster!**


	7. Where I Belong

_**I don't own anything except the very long author's note that you will find at the bottom!**_

October 2002

This is so embarrassing. God, it's not like it's my wedding day. It's just a fucking date. I pull at the ridiculous skirt Alice insists that I wear. I mean a skirt? What if I need to get on a bike? Okay, so realistically, that probably isn't going to happen, but it could!

Standing from the bench where I was putting on my make-up and turning to check out my ass in the skirt, I see that it is indeed huge. Not voluptuous like Alice claimed when she pushed me into this crazy ass outfit. Maybe I should change. I mean, Riley is used to seeing me in jeans and a t-shirt and he still asked me out, right? It would be easy to just change really quickly and be comfortable tonight. Pulling the lip gloss out of the bag, I put it on and pucker my lips, still contemplating if I should change or not. Turning around and looking at myself in the mirror, I decided to keep it on. Okay, this is as far as it goes, I mentally tell Alice.

I hear a light knock on the door and turn to see who it is.

Esme glides into the room –I wish I could be that graceful, and guides me to sit back down. She starts combing my hair into place and smiles at me through the mirror.

"Are you excited?" she asks with a motherly glow.

"Yeah, but I don't get why this is such a big deal. I mean, it's just a date with a guy that I've gone to school with for like...I don't know, forever."

She just smiles at me and keeps brushing.

"I know honey but humor Charlie, okay? It's your _first _date and now that you have turned sixteen, he realizes that he doesn't have too many of your 'firsts' left."

I guess I hadn't ever really thought about it like that. I just hate being fussed over like this. I know when Riley gets here, Daddy will give him the third degree and embarrass the shit out of me.

"Did you fuss over Edward's first date too?" I can't help but throw him in there. Any chance to talk about him and I'm all over it. She looks kind of sad for a moment and I realize that I should give this to Charlie.

"He didn't even tell me when he was going on his first date."

She puts the brush down on the table and turns me to face her while touching up my make-up.

"I think it's different for boys than girls anyway."

"So, you haven't met Bree?" _Stupid bitch_. Okay, so I might be a little biased since she has been hanging out with the boy I have been in love with for 3 years, but she is a skanky little ho. Honest! I've heard the boys talking about it at school.

Esme just chuckles.

"Honey, boys only introduce the girls they are serious about to their mother. That one is not one I have to worry about sharing a last name with."

Wiping from under my eyes, Esme stands back and looks at me with love.

"I know I'm not your mother, but I'm so glad to be here with you. You're like a daughter to me."

I can't help but smile and I feel my eyes buring.

"Bella, your date is here!" I hear Daddy yell from downstairs. Esme and I shuffle toward my door and I have to take a few breaths to calm myself.

Before I'm out the door, I turn to her and smile.

"You're right Moma Es, you aren't my mother." I can see her eyes fall a little but she never lets her smile slip.

"You're so much better than her. You are everything I could have ever hoped a mother would be."

As I walk down the stairs toward the foyer, I don't have to look back to her to know that's she is probably fighting tears too.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs, I realize that this isn't the quiet family affair that I thought it would be. Dad is standing there beside a very quiet and scared looking Riley as I suspected, but on the other side of the door is Emmett, Jasper and Edward.

I know that I should be looking at Riley and not Edward, but if's he is in the room with me, that is not going to happen. He looks good tonight, as always, but his usual smirk is replaced by a firm line that very nearly looks like a scowl.

"Bella, you look….wow." Riley smiles at me and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He doesn't look so bad himself.

Riley is a really good looking guy with sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I can easily think of several girls that would love to be standing in their living room, waiting to be picked up on a date with Riley. In fact, a lot of them thought I had lost my mind when I wouldn't agree to go out with him the first 3 times he ask, but I had my head, and my heart, set on the one that is currently standing to my right.

Daddy pulls my hand toward him and gives me a little hug. Okay, Moma Es was right, I need to cut him some slack.

"You look beautiful, Bells." He follows as Riley and I start toward the door and I notice that Emmett and Jasper have walked ahead and cornered Riley next to the truck and are speaking a little too animatedly toward him. Edward stands between him and me.

It's not normal for him to have not spoken to me. Usually he takes any and all opportunities to tease me.

Once Daddy has gone down to the truck to continue harassing Riley with the boys, I turn to Edward.

"What's wrong with you?" I have to admit, I probably did sound a little too harsh but what is his problem?

"Nothing," he spat.

"Whatever. I don't have time for this." I start to walk toward the truck and Edward reaches out and brushes his fingertips against mine. As my heart starts to pound in my chest, I wonder if he can hear it because it is beating so loud.

"You're breathtaking." He whispers, so seriously and so heartfelt that my breathing hitches in my throat. I'm not sure what to say or do because I am not used to this serious side of Edward.

It would be so easy to take this beautiful man whispering adoring words and just enjoy the hell out of it. If Edward hadn't always made these flirty little comments. When I first met him 3 years ago, they weren't all that common but I was 13 and he was 16. It would not have been exactly 'appropriate' if you know what I mean. But as I have gotten older, the comments have increased and I love it. But no matter how often I flirt back, no matter how badly I've tried to get him to notice me, it's never more than just innocent teasing.

There is no teasing tonight.

I brush my hands over the front of my skirt and look down. "Yeah, Alice made me wear this." When I finally get the nerve to look at him he smiles.

"No, _you_ are breathtaking…everyday." He gives me one last smile and turns, walking into the house and leaving me to my date.

~o0o~

Now, I can't say what kind of date Riley and I would have had if the beginning had gone a little different. What I can say is that after Edward said that, I should have just taken my ass back into the house because I wasn't able to concentrate on anything but his words the entire night. Riley actually had to remind me to bowl when my turn came up.

As we pull into the driveway, I notice the house is dark except a light in the living room. We are about 45 minutes early for my curfew so I'm sure Daddy is sitting in there, asleep, on the couch.

"I had a good time tonight, Bella." Riley shifts the park in drive and turn toward me with a smile.

"I did too, Riley." I smile and start to gather my purse and put my heels back on from where I kicked them off on the drive home. I realize that the date is over and that generally means it is time for a goodnight kiss. I really hope he doesn't try. I'm just not quite ready for that.

He lets out a loud huff and pushes his head back against the headrest.

"You had a good time, but this is the last time isn't it?"

I hadn't really thought that far I guess. I mean, yeah, I had a good time. If I had stopped thinking about how crazy Edward was acting for a couple minutes tonight, I probably would have had a better one.

"I don't know, Riley. I mean, I had fun."

He gives me a tight smile and shrugs his shoulders.

"But I'm not him, right?"

Scrunching my forehead, "Him?"

He lets out a chuckle and his lips turn up into a half smile while he points out the front windshield.

Following his line of vision I can make out a body sitting at the end of the dock down by the pond. Daddy had it dug so he could use the dirt for a practice track and it has always been one of my favorite spots. I can't really make out who it is until he kicks one of his legs forward in the water and stuff his hands in his hoodie.

Edward.

"What are you talking about Riley? Edward and I are just friends." No matter how much I wish that weren't true.

Riley smiles and leans back against the seat.

"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't see it." I'm not sure if he is talking to me or himself.

"Bella, if you were just friends, he wouldn't have looked like he wanted to remove my balls with a spoon tonight when you came downstairs."

I'm not sure what to think about that.

"He wouldn't be sitting down there on that dock, where I am willing to bet he has been all night, waiting for me to bring you home."

"He thinks of me as a sister." I argue.

"Trust me Bella, I am a brother and I damn sure don't think about my sister the way that dude thinks about you."

Saying our goodbyes and hopping out of his truck, I can't help but replay Riley's words over in my head. Could it be true? Edward has flirted and teased me but he has never tried to make a move on me.

I throw my purse inside the door, and begin to walk down the hill toward the dock where Edward is still sitting. I love coming out here at night. The water looks like it goes all the way up next to the woods and the moon scatters thousands of tiny flecks over the whole surface. The crickets chirp and the woods buzz with wildlife.

Sitting down beside him and sticking my own feet into the water, we make circles with our legs and don't say anything for a while.

"Did you have a good time tonight?" He finally breaks the silence.

"No, he tried to stick his hands down my pants." I try not to smile, but even when I'm just teasing I am a really shitty liar.

Edward's head jerks toward mine so quickly that he nearly falls off the dock and into the water.

"What the fuck! Where does he live?" Edward practically growls as he starts to jump up from the dock.

"Jeez Edward, calm down. I was just joking." I can't help but laugh as his eyes go wide and he sits back down.

"God Bella! You nearly got the dude killed. Don't joke about shit like that." He huffs and looks back out over the water.

"It was just a date Edward. I'm not going to marry the man." I roll my eyes and pull my legs up out of the water, tuck one under the other and turn toward him.

"I know that you aren't going to marry that BOY." He mirrors my action and faces me.

"Oh yeah, how do you know that?" I smile at him. If I thought he looked good in the daytime, he looks almost magical at night.

"Because you are going to marry me." He smirks and my heart nearly jumps out of my chest.

I can't help but roll my eyes at him.

"Really? That's a big claim for a guy that hasn't ever even kissed me."

Before I even know what's happening Edward is leaning forward and stroking the side of my face with his thumb.

"Do you know how long I have thought about doing that very thing?" He suddenly doesn't look so humorous. He looks pretty serious.

"How long I've wondered what your mouth tastes like?" The stroking of his thumb on the side of my face is now accompanied by a hand on my neck.

"How bad I wanted to punch Riley Biers in the face tonight because I was afraid that he would get to find out the answer to that question?"

Slowly, his head starts toward mine and just before our lips touch, he whispers, "I'm tired of fighting it. I'm _not going_ to fight it anymore."

When his lips touch mine, I can hear all the blood in my body rushing through my ears. My stomach is weak and my hands are shaking. I can't remember ever feeling like this.

But when his tongue gently massages my bottom lip, I damn near faint.

Kissing Edward Cullen is now off the bucket list and has made its way onto the top 5 best moments of my life. Where it sits, nestled comfortably, at number one.

When Edward pulls back, I can't help the smile that nearly splits my face in half. I also can't help but be excited about the one that graces his face too.

Edward walks me up the hill and when we stop at the front door, he leans in and presses his lips against mine again.

"Good night, love." His breath is still on my face and I want to breathe him in forever.

"Good night." I smile and trying hard not to squeal like a 13 year old girl at her first boy band concert.

When I get into the house and start up the stairs, Esme clears her throat from the living room where she is sitting on the couch crocheting.

"Must have been some date for you to have come in that excited." She never looks up from her needles but I can see the smile on her face.

"Yeah, we had a good time." In all the years that Esme has been like a mom to me, I've never seen her in quite the light that I do tonight. Tonight, she is the mother of the man of my dreams, not my mom or my friend. I don't think I can talk to her about the fantasies I have that revolve around her son.

I'm sure she told Daddy that she would wait up for me so he could go to sleep. She's waited for me and gone home late many nights since Pops is usually working anyway. But tonight, when I would normally run in and tell her about whatever I had been up to, I can't.

How do you tell someone that you were just thinking of ways to molest their son?

"Yeah, that Riley must be quite the date." She finally looks up and I see her eyebrow raised.

"Yeah. He is. Goodnight." I practically jump out of my skin and run up the stairs.

I can hear her chuckle from the couch and I know she knows.

Mommas always know _everything_.

~o0o~

Present Day

Yeah, mommas know everything. I should have known that when I got here, she would know just what I needed. Which is why we are still in the parking lot, locked in a hug with tears and snot all over both our faces.

I'm not even sure where the other girls got off to. We've probably been standing here like this for 20 minutes. I hadn't seen Esme or Carlisle since the funeral a year ago when they sat in the front pew with me and held my hand. I was too distracted to realize it then, but they are the only parents I have left.

Pulling back from me, Esme strokes my hair and then rubs the tears away from my face.

"I've missed you so much, baby." She smiles and I try to quit sobbing so that I can tell her that I missed her too.

"I missed you too." I smile and look around us.

"Where is Pops?"

She places her hand on my back and we start toward the inside of one of the buildings that is situated beside the track.

"He's out playing with Edward and the boys. I ask him to give us a few minutes."

As we sat down, never letting go of each other, I realize how blessed I am to have such an incredible mother in my life.

"How have you been?"

How do I answer that? I'm not sure. I thought I was doing just fine. I loved my good, safe and boring life in Charleston. But then I come here and my hearts aches for home.

"Good." Ok, maybe not exactly the truth, but still not a lie either.

She shakes her head and gives me that little smirk that tells me she knows better. I've seen it on her beautiful face more than once, even more than on her son's.

"Where is my Bellabee?" I hear Pops booming from the doorway. Before I know what is happening, I am swept up in Carlisle's arms and the tears start all over again.

"Hey there, now don't cry." He whispers in my hair and strokes the back of my head.

I had forgotten how much I missed them. It won't ever be the same as having Daddy here with me, but it's pretty damn close.

"Now come on, you can't let me interrogate your boyfriend on Charlie's behalf if you don't stop crying." He chuckles in my ear and I pull back, wiping my face on the back of my hand.

I notice everyone is filing in the room now and Jamie walks forward, putting his arm around me and pulling me toward his chest.

"You okay, baby?"

"Yeah," I smile at him and then at my Cullen parents. "Never better."

When Edward comes through the door, I notice that he looks up and down my length and takes a deep breath. I'm figuring that he's noticed the clothes. I probably look like I did nearly 10 years ago.

"So now, Mr. Montgomery, what are your intentions with our Bella here?" Pops is trying to give a serious look, but it's hard for him to be intimidating with Emmett and Jasper cracking up behind him.

"Well, sir, I plan to make her as happy as possible for as long as she will let me."

Wow. That was a hell of an answer.

Carlisle's mouth draws up on one side.

"Well, I wish I would have thought of that answer when Esme's father asked me that 35 years ago." He chuckles and everyone starts to chatter amongst themselves.

Somehow all the conversations around the room integrate and we find ourselves in one big discussion about the race and the season.

"He really is incredible. I can see how he wins a lot." Jamie says talking about Edward.

Yeah, that's all Edward Cullen needs is a bigger head on the track. He's good and he knows he is. He always has.

"You know, they claim he can read minds." Emmett offers with a huge, dimpled grin.

"Oh shut up, Emmett." Rose interjects.

"They say that because he has a way of anticipating the competition's next move. He always seems to avoid wrecks and he knows when someone is going to shut him out." Rose continues, explaining Edward's nickname of mind-reader.

"Watching him ride today, he was like poetry in motion. I can see why he can't be beat." Jamie smiles and playfully elbows Edward in the ribs.

Edward just chuckles back and I find myself a little concerned that they are suddenly so chummy.

"Oh, he can be beat alright." Alice raises her eyebrows and tilts her head knowingly.

"Really? I thought you said that he was leading the points board by a huge margin." Jamie asks Jasper.

He smiles at looks at me.

"Oh he is. The rider that always beats Edward doesn't compete." Looking back at Jamie, Jasper shakes his head.

"Who then?" Jamie questions.

Suddenly, the entire group is looking at me. Crap.

"Bella? Honey I didn't even know you rode!" Jamie looks like a kid at Christmas.

"It's been a long time, you know?"

"Come on Bells, show Jamie what you got." Emmett claps his hand on my back.

And that is how I found myself seated on a bike, after 4 years, at the starting line with Edward Cullen by my side. Jasper's pants and boots were still too big, but they're still smaller than anyone else's, so I hope they don't cause too much trouble riding. The boots are going to give me hell on the pegs though, but I think I can manage.

"You ready for this Bella Swan?" Edward shouts from under the helmet.

I just shake my head and pump the throttle, tuning him out. As the board turns sideways and indicates that we've only got seconds to go before the gate drops, that old feeling creeps back in. My heart beats fast, the adrenaline is rushing and I can't help the smile that spreads across my face.

Moments later, as I cross the finish line with frustrated but chuckling Edward Cullen behind me and my family laughing on the sidelines, I can't help but admit that I feel it. That feeling that this is right, that this is what I have been missing.

_**Seriously guys! I am in shock and awe at the combustion of my inbox in the past week! I have never had anyone rec' me out and the fact that has happened brought me to tears! I even had some people who are basically fan-fic royalty not only review, but pimp me out! I can't even tell you the high I have been on this week.**_

_**I even have a beta now! Big shout out and thanks to the lovely TwilightMom505. She is the first person to ever actually take an interest in my writing and I am eternally in love with her. Thank you so much to everyone who read, reviewed and rec'd. You have no idea how much I needed that.**_


	8. Coming Home

**I own nothing but the concept of Motoward and a very desperate plea to actually read the author's note at the bottom of this!**

~o0o~

As the shower sprays down on me, I can't help but think about everything that happened today. It was certainly eventful, that was for sure. I spent the morning basically plotting the death of Alice's dogs and the rest of the day wondering if my life in Charleston was everything I thought it was.

I really hate that.

Charleston was a great town, and I have a great life there. Now, I will admit that it isn't a life full of adventure and excitement, but it is one that makes me happy. I don't have to worry about all the ghosts of my past popping up around every corner.

As I rinse the shampoo out of my hair, I have to admit that it was pretty great being on the track again. It had been so long since I had been on a bike; I had forgotten how much I loved it. Of course, kicking Edward's ass didn't hurt either. A part of me wonders if he let me beat him. I always wondered that back in the day, but I know that I was only able to beat him then because he spent most of the time watching me instead of the track. I have to admit that a part of me wonders if that could have played a part in my victory today. He has certainly made me think he might still be interested in me since my return, but there is no way I can be sure.

There is also no way for me to say exactly how I feel about that.

I will always love Edward. Of that I will always be sure. He was my first love, and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. All that doesn't change the fact, however, that he is also the man that drove me away. As long as I live, I will never forget the day I left. The things he said to me. The image of that blonde leaving my house. MY house.

Everything I had put up with for the year before that paled in comparison to the idea of him with another woman. Sometimes I still dream about it. I wake up in a cold sweat with the urge to vomit. I can still see that note I found in his truck_; She never has to know. -Kate_

As I shut off the water and step out of the shower to dry off, I wonder what tonight will bring. Even with Edward there, I couldn't say no when Carlisle and Esme decided to have everyone over to their house tonight. When they moved here a few months after Edward did, they bought this little cottage that Esme's amazing vision turned into a beautiful home that is worthy of Better Homes and Gardens.

God, I missed them so much. I hadn't even realized it. I knew that day at Daddy's funeral that I needed them, but I hadn't considered how much I needed them after too. It was just too easy to cut out as much of this life as possible, and now I realize that wasn't really the best idea after all. They had done so much for me. Esme had been a surrogate mother, and Carlisle was always helping me with scholarships or the homework that Daddy was clueless about. I can't even remember how many nights they stayed at the ranch until the wee hours of the morning because they were helping with something.

All those years, I thought that they were just happy to be with Edward and for him to finally be letting them in, but it didn't occur to me until now, that maybe a part of them was there for me too.

When I get back into our room, I notice Jamie is asleep on the bed. Sprawled out in just his sleep pants, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He was so sore that I had to help him get up the stairs. I told him that riding was going to be hard on his body because he wasn't used to it, but he didn't listen.

I decided to keep it low key for the night since it just a nice, backyard barbeque. After doing a quick scrunch with some sea spray on my hair and adding just a little mascara and lip-gloss, I decide to just let Jamie stay in and sleep tonight.

"Baby, can you hear me?" I sit on the side of the bed and gently stroke the side of his face. He takes a deep breath and moves his nose, but he is still out cold.

"Sweetheart?"

Rolling onto his side and cracking open his eyes a little, he smiles up at me.

"Hey, are you ready to leave already?" He starts to make a move like he is going to get up, and I stop him.

"Baby, just sleep, okay? It's no big deal, and you need the rest. You're tired and can barely move." I chuckle.

"I don't want to upset Carlisle and Esme. I want to make a good impression." He still tries to get up but winces when he tries.

"It's okay, sweetie. They will understand. And trust me, we will be having many more get-togethers before we leave." I smile at him.

"Are you sure they won't mind?" He has already closed his eyes, and I know it's a lost cause.

"Yeah. Sleep."

He smiles and drifts back off before I even leave the room.

As I make my way downstairs, I hear Alice and Jasper moving around in the kitchen. Alice has thrown together some slaw and a dish of apple-snicker dessert. Yeah, that thing looks good.

"You guys ready? I ask as I put on my jacket.

"Yeah, where is Jamie?" Alice asks me as we move to the front door.

"Oh, he is going to stay in tonight. He can barely walk, the poor thing!"

"I told him he was going to regret not sitting out a few laps today!" Jasper laughs as he opens the door to the Tahoe and lets me in.

As we settle in and head across town, we fall into a comfortable silence that is occasionally broken up by Alice's singing along with the radio.

"So, Jamie is pretty cool, Bella." Jasper glances up to me through the rear-view mirror.

"Yeah, I would have thought you would have figured that out by now." I can't help but tease him, but a part of me is serious. Alice and Jasper have been coming out to see us for a while now.

"Yeah, but this was the first time I ever got to be around him alone. When we all go out to dinner, it is mostly you two yapping." He throws a glance toward Alice who scrunches up her nose at him before throwing him a smirk.

"Yeah, he is great." I can say that because it's so true. Really true.

"I remember you said that you met him through work?"

"Yeah, he is the head of the history department on campus, and they were looking for a designer for a historical house they acquired near campus for his department's offices. Someone referred him to the historical society to ensure that they stayed within code to be certified, and we hit it off."

I went to work for the historical society after I graduated. With my history degree and my background in restoring the Victorian farmhouse that Edward and I bought when we got engaged, it was the perfect job. When Jamie came in, I was shocked because he was young and handsome –two things that seldom came into the historical society building. It was a about a month after Charlie's death, and it was the day that would have been my baby's birthday. I was feeling pretty down and in comes this handsome professor, and before he leaves, he asks me out. In all honesty, had it been the day before or the day after, I probably would have said no. But that day, I had never felt so alone, and I just didn't want another second of it.

So I said yes.

"Really? All this time I just figured it was because you were both history people." Alice chimed in.

"Yeah, like a naughty teacher thing, you know?" Jasper laughs.

I don't have to smack him, Alice does it for me.

Laughing, I reply, "Nope. I remember him being brought on staff in the history department during the final semester of my undergrad, but I never met him on campus."

I hesitate to tell them the next part, but I decide to because I honestly don't think Jamie will mind.

"Jamie's wife and baby were killed in a car wreck, so he moved to Charleston to start over. That's why he came in the middle of the semester."

Silence. Much like my own drama, this is why you don't tell people this heavy stuff.

"That is so sad, Bella." Alice turns from the front seat to look at me.

"Yeah, it is."

As we pull up to the front of the Cullen house, the jovial mood has returned to the car, and for that, I am very thankful.

After helping Alice out of the car, Jasper turns to do the same for me, but I am already half way up the sidewalk. I am so excited that I can't help myself. It would seem that I am not the only one because before I can even ring the doorbell, Esme has thrown open the front door and wrapped me in a hug.

"Come in, dear. I made your favorite!"

I pull back and look at her with confusion.

"Chicken parmesan?"

"Of course," she smiles.

"At a barbeque?" I giggle.

"Anything for you."

She pulls me into the house, and Jasper and Alice follow. Once we all make it to the kitchen and Jasper puts down the dishes Alice has made, I notice that everyone is out on the back patio, gathered around a fire pit. It doesn't matter what time of year it is, Montana nights get fairly chilly.

When we walk in, I notice that Edward's expression softens, and I don't _want_ it to make my heart flutter, but that doesn't stop it.

Carlisle hands Jasper a beer, and Esme offers to pour me some wine.

I notice that, once again, Edward is drinking from a Coke can instead.

"Where is Jamie, Bella?" Carlisle questions as he stands to check on the meat that is on the grill.

Placing my glass down on the table, I wipe my mouth before speaking.

"He's not gonna make it tonight. He is incredibly sore and _very_ tired from today. He tried to come anyway, but I told him to just sleep."

"Oh, bless his heart! I hope that he is okay. Did you give him any ibuprofen? Does he need anything?" Esme, always the mother.

"Yeah, I gave him 800 milligrams. He will be fine after a good night's sleep." I smile.

"I bet he was pretty stoked to see you kick Eddie-boy's ass today, huh?" Emmett bellows.

The entire table breaks out in laughter. Edward's never ending quest to out-ride me is legendary, and everyone has always given him crap about it.

"How do you do it?" Rosalie questions. All eyes turn on me.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Beat him. I mean, hardly anyone can take him on the track, but you make it look so effortless."

"Probably because Charlie had her on a bike since practically birth!" Alice jokes, and everyone laughs.

"It's a lot of things really." I can't help but look at Edward. I have avoided it as much as possible up to this point. I just can't resist any more.

"Come on, Bells. Give us the secret." Emmett leans in like he is going to whisper though we both know the man couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

Looking at Edward again, he is staring at me so intently.

"I know him." A look of confusion fills the table, and I know I have to elaborate.

"He rev matches in turns when he should be double clutching, and that always keeps him from being as aggressive in the straight- aways as he should be. Not to mention the fact that he always backs out on tabletops. I figure he probably loses a good 3 to 4 seconds at the end of the race. So, I always make sure to pick up as much speed as I can on each apex and take full advantage of the jumps."

The entire table looks at me like I have grown a second head.

"Oh my god, Dude. How did you ever let her get away? I think I have a chub just listening to her." Emmett barely manages to get the sentence out before his wife punches him in the ribcage.

"Ow!"

"Yeah, you deserved that." Alice points her fork at him.

Suddenly the table is bursting with energy as everyone looks for something to do in order to distract the table from Emmett's comment.

Before long, the food is ready, and we've all sat down to eat.

"Edward, do you want to say grace?" Esme calls to her son softly.

"Sure, Mom." I realize it's about the only thing I have heard him say tonight.

We all bow our heads.

"Dear Heavenly Father. We come to you tonight and thank you for this wonderful meal that we are about to partake in. We want to thank you for the hands that prepared it, father. We also want to thank you for another day that we have gotten to spend with our friends and family, Lord. It has been a blessing to have a member of our family back, and we pray, Lord, that she feels welcomed and loved, father. We also thank you for the moments we have together. They are few and far between, often underappreciated and overlooked, God, but we give thanks for those and for the second chances they bring. In Christ's name, we thank you and bring honor and glory to your name. Amen."

To say the table is a bit tense would be an understatement, but we all continue to eat and try to make light-hearted conversation.

After dinner, we do a quick clean up and retire to the living room. After everything that has happened today, I feel like I need a few moments. No Jamie, no Alice, just me.

I excuse myself from the reunion in the living and room and find my way out into the yard where I sit on the wicker loveseat swing that Esme had installed out by the rose garden. I remember it fondly. Before I discovered the joys of making love with Edward, this swing was my favorite place to make _out_ with him, instead.

I push the swing back and forth and drop my head back while I stare up at the stars. I think about how many times I have done this exact thing. Life seemed so much easier then. Those were the days when things were easy and fun.

When I feel the swing sag beside me and longer legs take over the push and pull that keeps us in motion, I don't even have to look up to see who it is.

"You hiding out here or actually just enjoying the view?"

"Why do you ask? Not matter what I say, you're going to believe what you want." I keep looking at the stars and try not to concentrate on the fact that his arm hair is tickling my elbow.

"That's because I know you, Bella."

A part of me, a very large part, wants to call him out on that comment. I want to deny it, kick and scream and prove him wrong. But the part of me that knows it's the truth doesn't comment at all. Truth is, he does know me. Better than anyone, I would safely wager. Though I had no idea just a few days ago, I have now realized that I've never _really_ let anyone in Charleston get to know me.

"Well, I'd say that you've been thinking about a lot of things; in fact, if I know you at all, I'd say your mind has been racing with thoughts." I wish this weren't true.

He continues. "At the forefront of your mind, I'd say you're trying to figure out what to do about the fact that you miss home, and Charleston isn't as great as you thought it was."

Sitting up and angling my body toward his, I smirk. "And just how do you know all this, Mr. Cullen?"

One side of his mouth pulls up in a grin.

"Years and years, not to mention thousands of dollars, of therapy make it easy to spot troubled minds." He releases a deep breath and looks out over the garden.

"Therapy? Like a shrink?" I can't believe this.

"Yep. All that time you spent trying to convince me and I finally went. Still do, actually." He angles his body to match mine.

I'm not sure if I'm relieved or pissed. After the accident, I tried so hard to get him to see a therapist. Anyone who spent 5 minutes in the room with him knew he needed to talk to someone, but he always refused. I can't even count the number of fights that were caused by that very debate.

"I'm glad, Edward. I really am." I say so softly, I don't know if he even hears it.

"I wish it would have been sooner. I wish…" He trails off and runs a hand through his hair.

"Fuck, Bella. I wish a lot of things."

I drop my gaze to my lap and pick at my jeans. I realize that Edward is a lot like being on a diet. It's easy to talk a big game and resist temptation as long as you stay away from the bakery. But the moment that you find yourself in the same room as the cupcake, all that work is shot to hell.

"I know. I do too."

Pulling my hand from my jeans, Edward laces our fingers together and rubs his thumb over my palm.

"I miss you." He chuckles. "Actually, those words aren't even close to being strong enough."

I screw my eyes together so tightly, I think I see stars behind my lids.

"I know that things got messed up Bella, but…" He takes a big gulp.

"Do you think there could be another chance for us? Another chance for me to prove to you that I'm the one for you? That we are forever after all?"

My breath comes out in shallow pants and my heart races. Edward reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lets his fingers linger over my cheekbone. Trailing them down to my neck, he gently pulls my head forward and licks his lips. My head knows he is going to kiss me, but my heart forces my body not to stop it.

As his lips brush mine, a feeling of panic overcomes me…and so does the feeling of home.

**~o0o~**

**I don't even know where to start. I am so incredibly humbled and grateful for all the interest I have been getting in my story. To all those out there who have been pimping me out on FB and giving my little story nods, I cannot tell you how I squeal each time. You'll never know how much it means to me.**

**So, this week, I got a nod over at The Lemonade Stand. I have no idea who did that for me, but my gratitude is never-ending. It's so crazy to think that this incredible site that I have gone to for recs, now has me listed on the side column. There are so many amazing stories on there that I can't imagine that I would be included in the winners, but being up there with people that I have admired is so crazy to me. I would appreciate your vote, but in all honesty, check out some of the others there too.**

**I have to give an amazing shout-out to my beta, TwilightMom505 for being the absolute best. She makes it all pretty for you guys AND she spreads the word about Motoward. I don't know what I would do without her. **

**Also, the being on a diet and in the bakery line? Not mine, I got that in either a review or PM and it was too perfect not to use. I have searched through my inbox and can't find who sent it, but if you'll let me know, I PROMISE to give you the proper credit next chapter!**

**I love you guys and I will see you next Sunday/Monday!**


	9. The Heart Wants to Believe

**As always, I own nothing, except for a few fantasies with the beautiful Motoward...hmm...**

**As always, an incredible thank you to TwilightMom505, I didn't give her much time with this one and she took it in stride. I love her...even if she is a bulldog! Though, we have both agreed that we hope my boys kick some Irish ass this weekend. Roll tide! **

**Also a big thanks to Lot Twi Ffn for making me an incredible banner. It's beautiful and I love it! Also, I have to give a BIG shout out to MereCullen. I told you guys last chapter that the line about being on a diet and in the bakery wasn't mine. Well, she is the genius who came up with that and I am eternally thankful to her for it. **

**See you at the bottom for some good...and bad news!**

~o0o~

When I was twelve, Lauren Turner had the first co-ed sleepover any of us had ever heard of. Of course, her parents were out of town and thought she was at Kaitlin Anderson's house, otherwise, they would have killed us. I remember being excited when the bottle landed on Ben Masters. He was a grade ahead of us and so cute that he only dated older girls. When he kissed me, I thought I would explode with excitement. Then, a few years later when Edward Cullen kissed me for the first time, I knew that my pathetic spin the bottle kiss couldn't even compare.

Now, of all the kisses I have shared with Edward over the years, none were quite like the one I am experiencing now.

As Edward's hand slips into my hair and his thumb stokes the base of my neck, I can't help but lean into him, no matter how much I know better. Somehow, my hands find their way up his chest, and I moan into his mouth. My body is shaking and tingling all over, and I swear, I can feel this kiss in my fingertips and toes. This is how kissing should be. I haven't felt this good since the last time…

Shit! Jamie!

Suddenly, the bronze colored fog that has taken over my brain dissipates, and I realize the situation for what it is. I, Bella Swan, am cheating on my boyfriend. Quickly pushing my flat palms against Edward's chest, I jerk away from him and stand on my shaky feet.

"What are you doing?" I know as loud as I am screaming, I may actually wake the neighbors, but I can't seem to care.

"You can't just…I have…what is wrong…" I can't seem to form a logical or coherent sentence because I'm so confused by what the hell is going on here.

Standing quickly and shaking his head while holding out his palms, Edward looks just as shaken as I am.

"Shit, Bella. I'm so sorry, that was so wrong and…" he stammers and looks guilty.

"You are damn right it is!" When I look back on this later, I'm sure that I will realize the wild gestures I am making with my arms makes me look insane, but right now, it's making me feel better.

"I know, Bee. I'm not that guy and…"

"What? The guy that just sticks his tongue down the throat of another man's girlfriend?" I cut him off, never letting him finish his sentence.

"You aren't just some other guy's girlfriend. You're Bella. My Bella." He argues, and as good as it hears him to say that, I know that it is still wrong.

He continues with a pleading look, "…I mean, I think I do deserve some credit for managing to keep my cool this long. You have no idea how hard it was to not tell you how much I wanted to be buried inside you the second I saw you at the track."

Even as he says it, he eyes widen because he knows it's wrong.

"Ah hell, that sounded bad. I didn't mean to be shady, Bella. I don't want to be that kind of guy, really, I don't."

My mouth gapes open.

"Edward, I'm here with another man!" I yell.

"Fuck, Bella. You think I don't know that?" He screams back at me.

"You have no idea how much I know that, and to make matters worse, he is a great fucking guy!"

He's shouting and pointing and completely as insane as I am.

"You can't imagine the battle I fight in my head, Bella. If he was a jerk or treated you badly, it would make my life so much easier, but he's not. He is actually a stand-up guy!"

His eyes are glassy and red.

"When he touches you, a part of me wants to rip off his damn arm, and then, another part of me is just so thankful that he's good to you."

When the first sob leaves his body, it fuels a rage inside of me. Gone is the cold and indifferent man I spent an entire year dancing around and in his place is the boy I fell in love with. The boy I tried so hard to find and bring back, and somehow, in my absence, he came back all on his own.

I see red.

"Don't play that bullshit jealousy card, Edward. It's too tacky," I spew.

"Jealousy? Don't even go there. Everyone else at that damn table may have overlooked it last night, but I didn't."

"What the hell are you talking about?" He wasn't even with a date at the bar. Who would I have been jealous of?

"The waitress." He chuckles and wipes at his eyes.

"When she hit on Jamie, you smiled and tried not to giggle like a 3rd grader, but when she came on to me? You damn near had fingernail imprints on the inside of your palms."

Fuck. He's right. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I didn't care when she hit on Jamie. But I damn sure did care when she turned her sights on Edward. Silence stretches out between us, and I don't even know what to say.

"What, no witty retort? No denying that you were jealous of the idea of me and another woman?" He takes a step closer.

"Don't be." He says simply.

I have to admit, the thought of him and someone else is enough to make my stomach turn. I have always been on the irrational side when it comes to other women, and I always hated the idea that he had been with other girls before me. I don't even want to think about the ones that came after me.

"What if I told you," he moves so close now that he's practically whispering in my ear. "You are the last woman I was inside."

Anger fills my heart, my soul, my entire body, and if I had the physical strength to rip his arms off, I would.

"Don't. Feed. Me. That. BULLSHIT!"

I can't even feel my fingers, my heart is racing, and my teeth hurt from being ground together.

"I saw her, Edward. I know all about Kate." I spit at him, and his reaction is surprising. His forehead wrinkles, and he seems confused.

"Kate? Who's Kate?"

I can't believe his has the audacity to lie to me.

"Edward, don't patronize me. I know you cheated on me." I start to turn away from him, but before I can, Edward grabs my arm by the elbow and pulls me back toward him.

"I have never, _ever_, cheated on you. Ever. I don't think I even could, if I wanted to."

"Oh, please," I hiss.

He never lets go of my elbow and pulls me even closer to him.

"What? You want to hear about the _one_ time I went out? How Emmett set me up with a girl, and I nearly busted her lip jerking away from her when she tried to kiss me?"

My heart stops. I can't breathe. Time may _actually_ be frozen. Four years of celibacy? I can't believe that. I mean, _four years_?

"I can see those gears turning in your head. I'm not lying." He brings his hand up to my face and traces the backside of his fingers along my jaw.

"I couldn't be with anyone but you."

I can feel my resolve crumbling, and I have to get out. I have to remind myself that I have lived four years without this man, and I've survived it.

"All I am asking for, Bella, is to _talk_. Give me a chance to explain."

I know that if I stay, I won't be able to say no. This is Edward we are talking about. He is my biggest weakness. My brain is screaming at me, '_Abort Will Robinson, Abort_!'

"I can't Edward." I pull away from him and head toward the door. He reaches out toward me and brushes my hand, but I move before he can get his grip tight.

"Just stay away from me Edward. I don't want to have anything to do with you."

His eyes widen, and the tears fill them again.

"Please don't say that, Bella." He reaches again. "Just let me talk to you!"

Backing away from him, a part of my heart hurts.

"I'll be gone in a few days, and we'll never have to see each other again." I keep stepping backward toward the door.

Edward falls to his knees and wraps his arms loosely around my waist, burying his head against my stomach.

"Please! I can't lose you again, Bella! Please!"

It takes all the power I have in my body to pull myself away from. It takes even more to turn my back.

Everyone tries not to notice as I run through the house and out into the car. Alice and Jasper never say anything as they climb in the car. Once we start on our way back to their house and Alice is holding me in the back seat while the sobs shake my body, all that power is gone.

~o0o~

When we arrive home, I'm thankful that Jamie is still sleeping and is turned away from my side of the bed. It doesn't escape my notice that just last night the fact that he was turned away from me hurt, yet tonight, I'm thankful. Damn Edward.

As I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, looking like a complete train wreck, I just want to disappear in a dark closet, alone, maybe with a large glass of some pink drink. Ah hell, who am I kidding, the Bella that I have buried deep inside of me is screaming for Jack, Jim or Johnny.

Crawling into the bed and burying my face in the pillow, I am surprised that sleep takes me so easy.

~o0o~

"_Hey guys, you still watching film?" I couldn't believe they were still at it. I don't even think that any of the three of them had moved from that couch since we left. The boys had all been watching film from the last event for the past week. I know this upcoming race is important, but I think the rest of us are ready to have our boyfriends back._

_As the girls and I put down the take-out bags on the table at the house, I make a mental note to get a new tablecloth. When Edward and I moved in here a couple months ago, we spent all our extra money on flooring and doors. Things like curtains and tablecloths were picked up at Goodwill and yard sales, and this one doesn't look as good now as it did at the store._

"_Hey Baby." Edward nuzzles into my neck and his arms slip around my waist._

_Leaning back into him, I smile and tilt my head, giving him better access._

_Jasper and Emmett come into the room, jabbing each other in the ribs and joking as Alice pulls the take-out boxes from the bag._

"_You wish. I wouldn't have to keep rebuilding them if you wouldn't keep blowing them up!" Emmett argued and pointed at Jasper. _

"_Whatever! If you built them better, they wouldn't blow up all the time!" Jasper threw back._

"_Okay, boys. Let's drop it and enjoy our dinner, okay?" Rosalie tried to reason._

"_Can we eat and watch film?" Emmett asks as he stuffs some of the chicken tender in his mouth._

_Alice, Rosalie and I all groan in unison. _

"_Come on, can't we just eat without that damn film?" Alice rolls her eyes._

"_Just a few more minutes, Al. Please?" Jasper pulls her toward him and tucks her head under his chin._

"_Fine. Fine." She agrees, and we all go into the living room with our Styrofoam boxes and make ourselves comfortable. I'm glad Edward and I splurged and got the sectional, it's coming in quite handy._

_Edward clicks play on the TV and the footage rolls again. We all sit around and watch for about an hour before Edward shuts it down, and we spend the rest of the night having a nice time with our friends. When everyone finally leaves, I find him back on the couch watching film again._

"_Baby, aren't you gonna come to bed?" I smile at him and lean seductively into the door frame, but he's too busy looking at the screen to even notice what I am doing. _

"_Yeah, honey." He answers but never turns his gaze._

_Huffing, I walk closer to the couch._

"_Edward." I whine, stretching his name out._

_He looks up at me and smiles that panty-dropping smirk, and I suddenly could care less about the TV, the couch or pretty much anything other than what's hidden in his boxer-briefs._

"_Come here." He turns, putting one leg against the back of the couch and the other on the floor, creating a space for me to lie in between. When I go to him and get settled in, he turns the TV back on._

_I try not to groan and enjoy laying here with him, but I can't help but think of other things we could be doing…upstairs._

_Suddenly, the track disappears from the screen, and I see our living room. I'm a little embarrassed that my first thought is that maybe this is our 'amateur' video, and I hope the guys didn't see this earlier, but then Edward comes on the screen._

_He sits in front of the camera and smiles._

"_Bella, I don't even know where to start. You are my entire world. I spend my first moments of the day holding you and thanking God that he woke my dumb ass up and showed me what was in front of me. Then, I spend the last waking seconds of my day holding you and wondering why in the world you think I'm worth it. You make me want to __**actually**__ be all the things you already think I am. I want to be worthy of you, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be. I promise to wash the mud off my boots before I leave them in the garage. I promise to keep the oil changed in your bike. I promise to wipe my beard hair out of the sink because I know you hate when I don't do that…and I promise that I will love you every single day of forever, because, Bella? Not even death will stop me from loving you."_

_The screen goes black, and when I turn to look at Edward with wide eyes, he is smiling and holding a black velvet box in his hand._

_I glance down at it and then back up in his eyes._

_He opens the lid slowly and inside sits the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. Now, I'm not really into jewelry, and I don't know all the technical terms, but I do know that it's square with little stones all around it and that it is perfect._

"_I love you so much, Bella. I can't imagine my world without you in it. Please say that you'll be my wife?" His eyes look hopeful, and I can't even imagine why he would think my answer would be anything other than yes._

_He chuckles when I throw my arms around his neck and pepper his face with kisses. _

"_I'm gonna say it's safe to assume that I should be in the market for a tux soon?" He pulls his head away from mine, but his arms never leave my body._

_As I squeeze him to me, he suddenly disappears and I find myself sitting on the floor in the hospital with the words swirling around me, written in the air._

_**Edward doesn't want to see you. They don't know if Emmett is going to make it.**_

Jumping forward with a deep breath, I nearly choke on the air as I drag it into my body as hard and as fast as possible. My hair is damp, and my shirt is stuck to me. I roll over and see that Jamie is gone and light is streaming through the window. Laying my head back against the pillows, I think about my dream. How strange to dream about the best day of my life and one of the worst, all at once.

Dragging my body up and wrapping my robe around me, I sit back down on the edge of the bed. The effort to walk seems too much right now. A part of me wants to go home, to Charleston, and another part wants to go home to the Victorian I shared with Edward. I'm so damn confused; I'm surprised that I manage to make it downstairs to the breakfast table where Alice is putting fresh biscuits in the center, and Jamie and Jasper are talking about today.

When they see me, Jamie smiles, but I can tell he realizes that I'm not doing so great this morning. How can I tell him that I kissed another man last night? That said man still haunts my dreams? That he is the same man that he went out riding with yesterday?

I can't say anything right now with Alice and Jasper because that is a private conversation, but tonight, we are going to have a long talk. I am going to tell him everything, from beginning to end. I'm tired of this secrecy and torment. He deserves the truth, if nothing else.

"So, Jasper tells me you are going to be a TV star?" He smiles at me and offers a cup of coffee. Thank god.

"Yeah, they are going to interview me today while they are at the track getting publicity shots of the riders." I offer but don't really want to talk about it because I dread it so badly. I hate being on camera.

"So, the riders just take pictures in their gear?" He asks Jasper.

Jasper chews quickly and swallows.

"Well, it started as a sort of practice run with all the guys coming out and getting a feel for the track. Then, people started dressing out so that it was a close to the real deal as possible. Soon, the media showed up, and photo shoots came pretty quickly after."

Jamie shakes his head and continues to eat.

As I stare at him, I send up a silent plea that not only will I forget Edward Cullen, but that I can love this man like I should.

~o0o~

When we get to the track, there are racers everywhere. Some of the rider I remember, most I don't. With everyone in gear, it feels so much like home, and I find myself missing Charlie more than ever. I see the familiar orange tent with Swan Racing emblazoned on the front and make my way toward my family. When Jamie, Alice, Jasper and I get there, everyone is already in action. Emmett is building god knows what; Rose is somehow maneuvering her belly to make room to check tire pressure, and Edward is getting his boots snapped on. He is wearing a cut-off t-shirt that is mostly a front and back connected with strings at the sides. I can see that the tattoos I was admiring earlier are covering the majority of his chest and back, while running down both arms. He has gotten a lot more ink than when I was with him. I concentrate on tying my hair back and trying to ignore the fact that I want to rip the shirt off and get a closer look at his new work.

"How's it coming Em?" Jasper goes over to the table where Emmett is working on a new fork.

"Alright, still not what I want, but we've got time."

We spend the next few hours working on little things. Emmett is showing Jamie how to change out handlebars. I have given a couple interviews, and I even managed to not protest when Edward put his jersey on. Everything is moving surprisingly smooth, considering what happened last night, when I hear a voice that I hadn't heard in years, and even then, it was only once.

"Bella?" I turn and see her. Renee _fucking_ Swan.

As she gets closer to the tent, I realize she's aged a lot since that summer that Edward and I went to visit her in Jacksonville. I had decided I needed to meet her and regardless of the fact that Edward warned me it was a mistake, he went with me and held my hand when she talked to me for about 3 minutes and told me she wanted nothing to do with me.

"What are you doing…" I'm cut off before I can finish.

Edward steps beside me but angles his body so that he is shielding me.

"You need to leave," he says firmly but with venom in his voice.

"I just want to talk to my daughter," she argues.

"It has been made more than clear to you how Bella feels about you, so go." I've never heard him like this. Even when things were bad, he never sounded this…menacing.

"Oh yes, her little bodyguard. I should have known you'd be lingering around." She tries to crane her neck around Edward but fails to see me when he moves his body more in front of mine.

"I'm serious, Renee. Get the fuck out of here!" He keeps his voice low enough to not attract attention from the other tents but loud enough that she knows he means business.

"I just want to see Isabella." _Isabella_: a name I hate.

"_Bella, _doesn't want to talk to you. Don't you have some husband somewhere to bleed dry?"

"No...We didn't…work out, after all." She crosses her arms in front of her body and tries to turn her nose in the air.

"Oh. So _that's_ it then? Thought you'd come here and get some money from her?" He brings his arm around behind his back and tries to pull me into him, shielding me even more, almost like as long as she can't see me, he can keep her from hurting me.

I can't keep quiet any longer, and I step out from behind Edward.

"Is that it Renee?" At first, I was so dumbfound that she was actually standing here, but now, I'm just pissed off.

"You want money? What, you heard Daddy died and thought you'd get some estate money? Life insurance? What?" I practically yell at her, and before I realize it, my body is advancing toward her.

Edward's arm comes out and wraps itself around my waist, pulling me back.

"I just need a little, honey. I have this…"

I can't even let her finish.

"You heard him, Renee. Get the fuck out of here." She looks shocked and turns to leave, but only takes a couple steps before stopping and turning back toward me.

"Bella, I'm your _mother_."

I look her in the eye and try to hold back the anger that clouds my judgment.

"_Esme Cullen_ is my mother. _You_ are nothing more than incubator."

She actually has the gall to look offended before she turns away and stomps off.

"You okay?" Edward puts his finger under my chin and tilts my head up so that my eyes meet his.

"Yeah, I…"

"409 huh?" Jamie says as he walks forward and stares at us.

The rest of the gang stands behind him, and they seem as confused as I am.

"What?" Edward asks.

"409…your number." Jaime gestures to Edward's back where his number is proudly displayed just below the 'CULLEN.'

"Yeah…" Edward seems as confused as I am.

"I'm willing to bet that _409_ has been your number for a long time?" The way he spits out 409 with disgust tells me that this isn't really a question.

"Yeah, since I was 16. It was a joke with some buddies about the commercials with the 'giddy up 409' jingle." Edward says simply and as the words come out of his mouth, I can tell that he and I both know exactly where this is headed.

Jamie turns toward me and narrows his eyes.

"Charlie's number, huh?" He angrily chuckles, shakes his head and looks away before he looks between Edward and I. I realize that we are still standing close and after the confrontation with Renee, I'm sure Jamie has figured it out.

"Just like the 409 that is tattooed on Bella's hip bone, huh?" Jamie turns to look at me and I don't even know the man that is standing in front of me.

My gentle and kind lover is replaced with a man that can barely stand the sight of me.

He shakes his head and starts toward the parking area before I reach out and grab his hand.

"Jamie, wait…" I plead.

He jerks his hand away like I burned him and his eyes narrow on me.

"What else have you been lying about, Bella? Huh? Has everyone been laughing at the 'poor idiot' behind my back?"

"No! Jamie, please let me just explain," I beg.

He shakes his head and clenches his jaw.

"No, Bella. I can't even be in the same room with you right now."

As he leaves and I yell his name, Emmett holds me back from running after him, soothingly whispering in my ear, "Let him go Bella. Give him time."

~o0o~

**What did you think? I fully expect for my inbox to blow up after this one! There is a lot to be discussed here! **

**Now, you want the good first or the bad? I always prefer the bad first, so I'll give you that one now...**

**Bad News? I had previously stated that I thought I would have this complete by the first of the year. I don't think that will happen now. To be honest, Edward is getting pretty pissed at me cause he's getting a lot of hate mail and he wants to tell his side of the story. I let him have a moment a few chapters back and he's begging for more. This, of course, will add a few chapters and so I hope to wrap this one up around the end of January. **

**Good News? There is now a FB group for The Hole Shot! My username is ForeverAddicted ToHim and the group is Forever Addicted's Fandom. I don't have many members yet because I just set up the group, but I would love to change that. What is your motivation to join, you say? Teaser Friday! I'm also posting pics of things in the story (example: Bella's ring) so that you can see what I see! So come on over and join the party! See you next week!**


	10. The First Cut is the Deepest

I don't own it, Mrs. Meyer does and I envy her.

~o0o~

Laying my head on the cool tile of Rosalie's kitchen island, I think about how bad I thought I felt this morning. Then, I compare that to how I feel now and realize that I felt like a goddess this morning compared to now. After Jamie left the track and the girls managed to calm me down and get me in the car, they brought me back here and I've been in this kitchen for hours, running through my actions from the day.

So far? I've got nothing. I can't figure out why I didn't tell him I was engaged. Why I didn't tell him it was Edward. Why I can't get my shit together. There may have been an 'avoidance issue' phrase tossed around in the car on the way here, but I just don't have it in my to deal with that right now.

Raising my body up and leaning my head in my hands, my head pounds from the tension that bulges just behind my eyes. Alice and Rose went back to the track to finish up with the press and trial run, while I sit here and sort out the cluster-fuck that is my life.

I don't know where to go. I have no idea where to turn. I just want to lay my head in daddy's lap while he strokes my hair and tells me that everything will be okay. I miss him so much. He held me so many times since I left Montana and I my chest threatens to cave when I think too much about the fact that he isn't here now.

Grabbing the keys off the counter, I head out to the driveway and jump into Alice's Mini Cooper. I just need to drive; get away from here. I can remember all the drives I took after the accident. Edward didn't have a license anymore and I knew it was a sure-fire way to get away from him when it just got to hard at home.

Pulling onto the small highway, I didn't think I just drove. I made my way down the winding roads, and through the darkness of night. I found myself hugging the sharp curves while the quiet engine of the car lulled me into a peace that I hadn't felt in a while. A part of me wanted to go back to Alice's house and talk to Jamie. I wanted to beg him to listen to me and understand. Another part of me, a larger one, wanted to go home to Charleston and forget this week had ever happened. Of course, when I had that though, I remember that phrase from the car, 'avoidance issues.' Maybe Edward wasn't the only one that should see a therapist.

As I drove through the blanket of night, I found myself naturally gravitating toward 475 Anderson Ave. Pulling to a stop on the street in front of the charming Victorian, I killed the engine of the car and took a deep breath. It looked the same, but the new owners had obviously fixed the little imperfections that had existed before. The peeling white paint that I had left behind had now been replaced with a fresh coat of a warm grey. The front door had been painted red, just as I had always wanted, but never had gotten around to. It was beautiful, just as I had always imagined it would be.

I hope that the owners love it. I hope that they have children that play in the back yard, a little boy and two little girls. Maybe they have a dog that plays with them. I had always imagined a saint Bernard named Mossimo. A feel a familiar pang in my chest as I imagine all the hopes and dreams I once had for this place, and for myself.

As I see a familiar pair of headlights come up the street, I hunker down in the seat and thank God that Alice's car doesn't have any distinguishing characteristics –and I'm thankful for the tinted windows.

When Edward pulls into the drive, I can't help but admit that I part of my heart jumps at the thought that he might still live here. I never really considered that he might. The house was my choice. He had never really had a love for historical homes that I did, always preferring the new, modern houses with the huge entertainment rooms. I always assumed that once I left, the house would be sold and he would find some fancy condo to entertain a revolving door of bedmates. Of course, if, and that is a big if, he is telling the truth about his supposed _celibacy_, maybe I was wrong about this too.

As his truck pulls into the garage, I crank the car and head back toward Rosalie's before he gets a chance to see me. I've had enough confrontation for one day.

~o0o~

When I pull back into Rose's driveway, I see that the girls and their respective partners have returned. Shutting off Allie's car, I make my way inside and find everyone sitting at the dining table sharing a pizza.

"You hungry, Bellabee?"

Emmett is stuffing his face and I am surprised that I could even understand what he said considering the amount of pepperoni that is hanging out of his mouth.

"No, I'm okay." I make my way to the fridge and pull out a glass and some ice. I know Rose told me there was some Jack around here somewhere. As I start opening cabinets and pulling out drawers, I hear a thud as a new and up-opened bottle appears on the countertop, courtesy of Jasper.

Shooting him a quick smile, he nods his head in response.

"You want to come over here or you want to drink alone?"

Considering my options, I walk over to the table and have a seat; making sure to bring my best friend Jack with me, of course.

As I let the smooth liquid burn a trail down my throat, I throw my head back and take a breath.

"Have you talked to Jamie?" It's Alice this time and I'm actually surprised that she hasn't spoken until now. She isn't usually one to dance around topics. No filter, and all that.

"Nope," I say, popping the 'p'.

As everyone chews and lets the pregnant silence fall around us, I look to Jasper.

"How long do you think I should wait to talk to him?"

He seems to consider this a few moments and takes a breath.

"Well, it all depends really. You know him better than we do, how long does it take for him to cool off?"

Honestly? I have no idea. We have never had an argument. Not even a single disagreement. Everything has always been so _easy_. I have seen him irritated at some students a time or two and he always seemed to cool down pretty quickly after that.

I'm not even sure what I'm going to say to him, but I think it's probably getting time to face the music.

"Jasper and I are going to stay here tonight; you guys can have the house to yourselves to get this figured out." Alice says simply.

Throwing back another shot of liquid courage, Jasper agrees to drive me over and drop me off.

The car ride to their house is suffocating. I feel like my chest is going to cave in at any moment and I can't stop shaking my leg.

"Bella, stop," Jasper says without ever taking his eyes from the road.

"This is still Jamie. He is a good man and it's time that you guys get this all out there, you know?"

Yes, Jasper. I do know. I know that this amazing man deserves the truth. I know that he has waited too long for it. I know that no matter what, I won't hurt him. Well, anymore than I probably already have. I've lied to him, withheld the truth and what's the worst is that I have never even let him know me.

Thanking Jasper for the ride, I climb out of the car and watch the taillights disappear from the driveway.

As I stand there, blindly staring at the house for courage that I know will never come, I can't help but think of Edward. Yes, I know, that is incredibly stupid, but I can't help it.

Does he still really live in our house? Maybe he rents it out? Maybe he is friends with whoever bought it?

"You about ready to talk to me?" I hear his abrupt and sad voice call to me from the rocking chair on the side patio.

As I walk toward him, I notice the differences in his body language. His shoulders are slumped in defeat, his eyes are dark and tired and I can't help but itch to reach out and hug him.

"I mean _really_ talk to be Bella. No more of this hiding bullshit. I deserve more than that."

Taking a deep breath, I sit down in the rocking chair beside him and take a few moments to compose myself.

He waits. Patiently. He always has.

Chewing on my lip, I decided it's easiest to start at the beginning.

"Have you ever noticed that Edward doesn't look like Carlisle or Esme?" I can't make eye contact with him. If I'm really going to tell this story, I need to slip the cool mask of indifference over my heart and pray for strength.

"I guess I noticed that he has red hair and they don't, but other than that...not really."

The corner of my mouth lifts involuntarily. Edward would be so pissed to hear someone say he has red hair. He's maintained for years that he isn't a ginger. I'm sure he is probably the only man in the world that uses the word 'auburn' to describe his hair. I've seen the pictures from his childhood. While it has gotten darker as he has aged...he _was_ a ginger as a kid. Totally.

"Esme and Carlisle tried for years to get pregnant but they couldn't. They never found out which of them had the issue, they always said they didn't want it to come between them. They tried to adopt, but it always fell through."

I start to rock the chair back and forth in a futile attempt to calm my nerves.

"Edward is from a little coastal New England town. It's so beautiful there, like a Norman Rockwell card."

I smile and remember the trip we took there during the summer that Edward got his sponsorship.

"The little town doesn't deliver babies, but one summer night, a woman came in, completely dilated. Carlisle had no choice but to deliver her."

Elizabeth Masen: a woman that I hate and love all at the same time.

"Apparently she had been involved with a married man and when she told him she was pregnant, he refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. She wanted to give it up for adoption."

Jamie listens intently and never says a word, but I know that he can tell where this part of the story is headed.

"You should hear Esme tell the story." I laugh at the memory.

"Carlisle called home and told her that a woman was about to deliver a baby and had asked him to adopt it."

I never really understood that part. I mean, Carlisle was a complete stranger and she just asked him to take her baby? I guess if you were already planning to give it up, then essentially she was already prepared to do just that, but for me, it's hard to conceive the thought.

"She told him she was on her way to the hospital to get her son. Can you imagine?"

I smile at Jamie, finally making eye contact and he gives a weak smile in return.

"Anyway, there was a clotting issue and after Carlisle delivered Edward..." I stop and think about the implications of Edward's mother's death and all the pain it would cause in the man's life.

"She died before Edward was even an hour old. "Baby Masen" got some expedited paper work, no doubt thanks to the adoption process that had been underway for so long and probably a sizeable amount of money from the Platt family, and he became Edward Masen Cullen."

Jamie looks confused as to why this is relevant to the story that he has been waiting for so long.

"Edward grew up loved and cherished and," I can't help but giggle, "and very spoiled."

I can think of all the times Esme has told me that they couldn't deny him anything.

"They were always honest with Edward and never hid that he had been adopted. They didn't want him to be devastated to find out one day when he was older."

I can't imagine what that would be like to wake up one day and find out that Charlie wasn't my father.

"As he got older, he got resentful. He wouldn't obey them, got mixed up with a bad crowd and found himself with a pretty good rap sheet before he was even of age."

With failing grades, truancy calls from the school and DUI's, Esme and Carlisle were overwhelmed.

"When he was 14, some guy he was with talked him into stealing a dirt bike and," I can't help but smile when I remember Edward telling me about his first ride. His eyes lit up and sparkled and the smile that spread across his face was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

"It was love at first ride."

I think of all the times that Edward and I have rode together and it's true, I've never seen him more relaxed and at ease than when he is on a bike. He always made me the most proud...and turned on, when he was like that.

"Anyway, competing started to mellow him out and he concentrated on that instead of getting in trouble." I shove my hands under my legs and sit on them to keep from twisting them up into knots.

"It was too late by then, though. No sponsor wants a kid with that kind of background, no matter how much money mommy and daddy have."

I can't imagine how crushing a blow that must have been to Edward. He had worked so hard to get ahead on the track and he was dominating. No matter how much he won, how great he did, he was taboo.

"Daddy saw him at a race and took an interest. I never quite understood their bond but it was there. Strong and unbreakable. Edward came here when he was 16, Jazz a couple months later and Carlisle and Esme joined too when they realized that riding was what he needed."

Jamie is still starting straight ahead, listening to every word, but I can't read him. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"When he got here," I blow out a shaky breath because I know this is where the stuff that Jamie is interested in comes forward.

"I was in love with him right away, but he was 16 and I was 13. I was just a little kid to him."

I can still remember the first day I saw Edward. He was wearing ripped jeans, a black Hart and Huntington hoodie and a white Famous Stars and Straps hat. I was only 13 and my biggest dream was kissing him then, but he was all I could think about.

"That all changed. I turned 16 and when my boobs came, so did Edward's interest."

I feel relieved when Jamie chuckles at that and I hope that tiny sliver of hope means that he doesn't hate me.

"I went on my first date and Edward nearly had a heart attack. He admitted he had feelings for me that night and things just went from there."

Pulling my hands out from under my thighs, I brush the loose pieces of hair off my face and readjust my hair.

"We kept it hidden for a couple years. Daddy nearly killed Jasper when he and Alice got together, so we thought it would be best to fly under the radar for a while."

Okay, so I have to admit that sneaking around with Edward was in fact, pretty sexy. I can remember all the times we nearly got caught and it was a huge turn on.

"Edward told my dad on my eighteenth birthday and he just laughed at us." I smirk, remembering Charlie's response.

"He asked us if we thought he was deaf, blind or stupid." I miss Daddy so much.

Jamie finally turns to look at me sensing that we are finally getting somewhere.

"We were engaged when I was 20 and everything seemed to be perfect."

I can feel my chin quiver and my eyes start to burn with unshed tears that threaten to spill onto my cheeks.

"What happened?" His voice is soothing and comforting, trying to comfort me even in the face of his anger.

"Edward got a big corporate sponsorship. It was everything he wanted. He had worked so hard for it."

I close my eyes tightly and remember how excited he was. So happy that all his hard work had paid off.

"With his signing bonus we bought a house and used the rest for renovations."

My heart hurts when I think about the unopened cans of paints and fabric swatches that laid on the basement steps for a year after the accident.

"Edward had always wanted a Corvette. So, he used some of the money and bought one."

I can't even count the number of times I have wished I could go back and keep him from buying that car. I should have tried harder to convince him he didn't need it; that a truck would be better.

Jamie looks at me expectantly and waits for my next words.

"...and then, one Friday afternoon, Edward and Emmett drove that Corvette into a tree and ruined all our lives."

~o0o~

Thank you guys for reading. I'm sorry that this was a day late. I just wasn't happy with it and still would like to delete half of it. I have to thank my incredible beta TwilightMom505 for her incredible beta skills. I normally like to have her look at it twice, but she only got it once this time, so all mistakes are mine. (Well, they are anyway, but especially this time!)

On a better note, my finals are over, so hopefully that means so even better chapters the next few weeks! Thank you for your support. I am trying to get to my review replies, but I have some lingering ones from several chapters ago. I am toying with the notion of deleting them all and starting fresh, so if you haven't gotten a reply, don't think for a second it's because I don't love them (I SO, SO, SO DO!) I just unfortunately have a RL that gets in the way of my Edward addiction. 

Also, on a side note, my cover has been blown in my real life and there are some lurkers out there (probably reading this) and they know my true identity. So, if you are reading, and you know who you are, I love you...but keep your mouth shut! J


	11. Time Travel

Hey Guys! Let's get this over with...

I don't own Twilight. I am not Stephanie Meyer.

I wish no copyright infringments...

Big thanks to my girl TwilightMom505 for putting up with my inability to use comma correctly and being my beta anyway.

See ya on the other side!

* * *

**~2007~**

There is a resonating thud at the base of my skull that reminds me of the leaky faucet Charlie had out behind the garage last summer. The accompanying white-hot bullet of pain that joins each drip threatens to pull me back under the murky depths of unconsciousness. My brain struggles, and it is sluggish in its attempt to remember. As the silky pad of a thumb ghosts over the top of my knuckles, I can feel her nails pressing into the palm of my rough hand. Strawberries and Champagne fill the air, and every bone in my body sings the chorus to the melody her hand is creating. Fighting against the pain of the day and the terror of what awaits me; I succumb to the drip and slink back into the shadows.

* * *

_Scrolling through a mental checklist of everything that we might have forgotten to pack, I sigh while holding the phone between my shoulder and my ear. I stumble around the bedroom and unplug cords because I know Bella will fuss that we were wasting energy and that we will have to pay for it next month. I try to distract myself, and the fact that I am on hold, by concentrating on filling my suitcase that Bella left lying open on the beige coverlet this morning. After a few attempts of packing things that I hate, she finally gave up and told me to pack my own clothes._

_Knowing that she hates to fly, I created a playlist this morning with enough songs to keep her occupied. I walk to the computer and click the 'burn' button, and I watch as all of Bella's favorites start to transfer from the playlist, and the computer's drive begins to hum along. Making sure to grab a few 'toys' from our locked chest that sits on the dresser, I put everything in a black, velvet bag. The last thing I need is airport security to pull out 'Buzz,' Bella's favorite purple vibrator. _

_It isn't until I begin to pull the burned CD from the disc drive that a masculine voice filters through the phone._

"_Mr. Cullen?" _

_Clearing my throat and pulling my hand back up to pull the phone off my shoulder and cradle it to my ear, I answer, "Yes?"_

"_I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. I did not mean to keep you on hold for so long," the B&B owner apologizes._

"_I understand. I trust that everything is ok then?" I hope it is. I want this week to be perfect._

"_Yes, sir. My wife just checked. The room is ready, and we will make sure to have the roses already spread on the bed and the candles lit when you get here tonight. We will already be retired for the evening, but our grandson is staying for the week and has agreed to check you in after-hours tonight."_

_I told them that we could stay in a hotel until morning because I didn't want to trouble them with our late arrival, but they both insisted it would be okay._

"_The carriage from the tour company is scheduled to be here at 11:00 tomorrow. We have already confirmed with them all the stops that you requested." _

_I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief._

"_Thank you so much Mr. Riley. I appreciate the time and hard work that you and your wife have put into our stay."_

_He chuckles through the line._

"_It isn't a problem at all, Mr. Cullen. It isn't often we get many men that are willing to go to the lengths that you have to give their wife such a nice weekend."_

_My stomach flutters at the mention of Bella being my wife. My heart knows that one day she will be, and it always has, but I just can't find it in me to correct him right now._

"_Well, either way, I will be recommending you to anyone who will listen." _

_It's true. Mr. Riley and his sweet wife, Katherine, have put up with my incessant phone calls and ridiculous demands all month. _

"_Well sir, we look forward to meeting you two tomorrow morning."_

_I thank him and hang up the phone._

_Bella and I need this week away so much. Now that the racing season has come to a close, and the new sponsor isn't breathing down my neck, I feel like I can finally relax a little. At one point in time, my phone rang so often that I thought about getting a pair of walkie-talkies instead of a cell phone. _

_When Bella's break from school rolled around, it seemed like the perfect time to get away. She knows we are going out of town for the week, but she has no idea where. All I told her was to pack her suitcase and leave the rest to me. _

_She's always wanted to go to Savannah and see all the history there, and this week is going to be all about her. I know that she has been stressed out with school and the renovations on the house, so I'm going to cater to her every whim. I've scheduled tours to nearly every antebellum home and garden in the city, and we're staying at the most historical and beautiful B&B I could find online, The Kehoe House. She is going to love it. I even made sure to charge up the camera for her. She spends hours on the internet looking for ideas for our own little Victorian, so I'm sure that there will be plenty of things that she will want pictures of._

_A shutter rips through me when I remember the 3 hours we spent at the local building supply looking through trim catalogs. Now, I love my girl, and I can't deny her anything, but we are talking about wood here. _

_Wood. Three hours of looking at wood. Yeah, it was a long-ass day. _

_Putting the CD in a case and grabbing the book from the nightstand on her side of the bed, I try to think if she will want anything else on the plane. When I'm satisfied with everything that I've packed, I start carrying bags out the front door. _

_Right about now, I'm glad that my girl is low maintenance. I don't even want to imagine the luggage Alice would have for a week away. As I'm packing the last bag out to throw in the trunk of the 'Vette, I make sure to pull the door hard and listen for the lock to click in place. I need to get that fixed...and painted. She wants some crazy red color, and I can't help but wonder what is wrong with plain old white. _

_Ah, chicks._

_As I get into the car and shut my door, I stroke the steering wheel and smile. I can't believe I actually own a Corvette. I love her. I begged Mom and Dad for one when I got my license, but they both refused. Granted, I had just gotten a DUI, so I can't say that I blame them._

_There was a time that I never thought that I would actually get one, but with Bella's urging and some sponsor money, I finally got her. _

_As I am pulling out onto the road, my phone rings and I see my girl's face light up the screen. Smiling and thinking about the seven different ways I plan to have her in just a few hours, I answer the phone. _

"_Hey, Beautiful."_

_I hear her giggle slightly and end it with a sigh._

"_What's wrong?" I know my girl and her tells. She has something on her mind._

"_Well, we may have to wait a couple hours before we leave. I know we were leaving early for the airport, and this will push us for time, but I really want to help Alex."_

_Shit. _

_Last year in the ill-fated trip to see Bella's mother, we didn't factor in how long it would take to navigate the airport. That fact alone was a huge consideration in why we are leaving 3 hours early for the flight. _

_We are going to have to run through the airport again, I just know it._

_Not to mention the fact that this is going to mess up the schedule with The Kehoe House. Knowing she is looking as forward to this week as I am, I suppress my groan. I don't want her to feel guilty for trying to help. _

"_He has a test Monday, and he needs a little extra tutoring. I promise it won't take long. Maybe a couple of hours?"_

_Alex is an underprivileged kid that Bella had to tutor for a class. He's 14, a total pain in the ass, and he has the hots for my girl. At heart, he is a good kid, and I can't really fault him for having good taste in women. It's not like his piece of shit parents have been a good influence in his life, so I have to be glad he has Bella. _

"_I get it. I know he's important to you."_

_When the class ended, Bella just couldn't stand the thought that he wouldn't get any more help with school. She still tutors him a couple times a week. His parents can't afford to pay her, not that they would anyway, and God knows that they wouldn't help him themselves. I'm not sure either of them stay sober long enough to even spell their own names, let alone do algebra._

"_Are you sure? I know you were looking forward to taking me to..." she draws out the end like a question._

"_Oh no, you aren't getting it out of me that easy." I laugh._

"_Can't blame a girl for trying." _

_Now, here is the thing about my girl... she says that she doesn't like surprises because she claims that she doesn't like to be unprepared. _

_What she is... is full of shit. _

_She loves surprises. Her eyes light up, and she does this little squealing laugh that is so cute. _

"_Emmett wanted me to run by the track earlier anyway, so I'll just go hang out there for a little bit, and you can call me when you get finished, okay?" _

_I lay the phone on my shoulder as I change directions, and I start down the road toward the track._

"_Sounds good, baby. I can't wait for this weekend, you know?" _

_I can hear the smile and her voice, and I know we need this break. Between late nights in the garage for me and her inability to get finished working on school work before midnight, we don't get to spend much real time together._

"_Me too. I packed a handkerchief to stuff in your mouth because I know everyone will get tired of hearing my name being screamed from our room." _

"_Edward!" She barks into the phone with a chuckle quickly following._

"_Yeah, just like that." I can't help but tease her; although, there is some truth to it. _

_She giggles, "I love you, and I will talk to you soon." _

"_I love you, too. Bye." _

_Hanging up the phone, I pull into the lot at the track, and I see Emmett over by one of the tents. He wanted me to stop by so that I could check out something with one of the wiring harnesses._

_I make my way over to him and pat him on the back._

"_What's up?" I ask._

"_What the hell are you doing here? I thought you and Bella were leaving?" He glances up at me and then goes back to taking apart some wires._

"_She had to work with that kid she tutors. We're going to leave in a couple hours." I pick up a couple pieces, and Emmett smacks my hand._

"_Hey!"_

_He jerks it away. "You ride like a God, but you can't fix a bike for shit, so stop."_

_I can't help but chuckle. "Then why did you want me to come over here?"_

_Emmett had called this morning, and I told him that we were leaving, so I couldn't come by the track._

_He grins. "I was bored, and Jasper was busy."_

"_Oh, I see how it is!" I laugh and lean against the table._

_Emmett points toward the parking lot, and he makes a motion toward my beauty._

"_You got her broke in yet?"_

_Ever since I got Rhonda, that's what I named her; Emmett has given me shit about driving her like a grandma. It's not true, but it's not entirely a lie either. _

"_Rhonda is fine. She and I have had a good time; we are getting to know each other."_

_Emmett throws down the wires, and he begins to wipe his hands with a towel._

"_Then stop being a pussy, and let's go see what she's got."_

_Before I can even object, Emmett is headed toward the car. Following behind him, I open the door and climb in. As I start the engine, I listen to her purr. _

_Throwing rocks as we pull out of the gravel lot, we make our way down the two-lane road._

* * *

Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. _Breathing_ fucking hurts. All I can do is stare at him. The nurses keep telling me that I have to stay positive; that I need to keep the faith. I don't know how that is possible right now. All I want to do is close my eyes and disappear.

I've been sitting in this wheelchair for three weeks, and I wonder every second why God didn't just let me die.

I come here as soon as I wake up in the morning, and I wait for Emmett to come to. I remember the first time I looked in the mirror after I woke up. I could barely even recognize myself.

Emmett makes my condition look minor. I can't imagine what he will think when he sees himself. The three weeks have done him good though, and the bruises are starting to fade to yellow. The swelling is better too, and the doctors removed him from the medically-induced coma a few days ago.

There are tubes everywhere, all attached to machines that keep him alive. I can't imagine what Rosalie is going through. I haven't seen her.

In fact, I haven't seen anyone.

Every time someone comes, I refuse their visits. I don't want to look them in the eyes and face what I have done. Rose must hate me. If it were Bella...

A sob leaves my body at that thought. It could have been Bella. She could have been in that passenger's seat.

This is usually the point when the burn comes, and I can't breathe, so I'm not surprised as its tentacles spread through my chest.

As the sobs wrack my body, I recognize the hand of the nurse on my shoulder. This is as far as they let me get before they come in and wheel me back to my own little space of hell.

As the orderlies lift me back into my bed, I turn to look the other way. I can't stand to look at anyone. I can only imagine how they see me: a murderer. I know Emmett is still alive, but only time will tell if he is going to stay that way.

"Mr. Cullen, there a visitor to see you," the short, plump, elderly lady tells me.

I know it's her. It's always her. She comes every day. Sometimes, she comes more than once. No matter how many times I refuse to see her...she still comes.

That first night after I woke up, I could hear her screaming for me. She begged them to let her through. I nearly cracked. When I heard the sob leave her body as they told her that I refused to let her come in the room, I cried so hard that the nurse had to sedate me.

My body aches for her. My fingers itch to bury themselves in her hair, and my arms want to cradle her into my side. I have to fight myself to keep from screaming out for her.

There is a part of my brain that knows this was an accident, and that part says Bella wasn't in that car, and that she is ok. That part is screaming for me to just let her in the door. But that part of me is waging a war against the part that knows Bella was supposed to be in that car. It whispers in my ear that if it were Bella, she would be dead right now...and I would be responsible. It tells me that I would have killed her.

Just like I did my mother.

* * *

**This is going to be a kind of long author's note, but hang in there with me, okay?**

**First of all, and most importantly, I want to extend my deepest sympathy to CaraNo and her family. She sent a beautiful angel to heaven this week and as a mother, my heart hurts for her. I also want to send the same sentiment to the families in Conn. who sent several angels to heaven as well. I read an article on MSN about the incredible staff there who put their lives on the line to save so many children. Those people deserve so much more than I can even comprehend. My heart hurts for those who lost their loved ones and children. It isn't fair. Plain and simple. I'm a God fearing christian and I want you all to know that my home and church is praying for you all.**

**My next bit of housekeeping is to apologize to my wonderful beta, TwilightMom505. She spent her time and used her wonderful talents to beta last chapter and I stupidly uploaded the wrong version, so all those mistakes were my own. So, I'm sorry, T! I made sure I uploaded the right one this time! (Nic, if you see this, don't yell at me for apologizing, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew no mistakes were hers! lol)**

**Finally, I hope you guys liked the EPOV. I felt like he needed a chance to defend himself. There were some teasers up in the FB Group, and I don't think anyone realized that they meant this would be EPOV. Gotcha! Expect a pic tease on Tuesday and a piece from the new chapter on Friday...see you soon and thanks for reading!**


	12. The End of an Era

**I don't own anything. Just a plea for you to forgive me for my absence, and a request to read the author's note at the bottom.**

* * *

As the cool Montana night begins to grow damp and heavy, I pull my jacket tighter around my body. The weight of the night settles between my shoulders, and my eyes sting from the burden of unshed tears.

"He was in the hospital for two months. Emmett for much, _much_ longer." The images of the broken and beaten men are forever seared into the back of my eyelids. For so long, it was all I could see when I closed my eyes at night.

"Edward had a fractured hand, a shattered pelvis and multiple contusions on his face. The lacerations went all the way down his neck and hands. He looked...awful." My bottom lip quivers, and the tears threaten to revolt and escape. Jamie's warm hand covers my own and gives a silent squeeze of reassurance.

"The police said it was hard to know for sure, but they believe he probably hit the tree at about 85-90 mph. The car..." At that thought, a lone tear makes an escape, fleeing from the pools that threaten to erupt.

I remember only being able to identify the make and model of the car because of the wheels.

"Edward was ejected pretty early in the crash, but Emmett wasn't so lucky."

There were so many weeks of wondering if he would wake up. Once he did, we were faced with the fear that he may never walk again. Those days were hard.

"It would probably be easier to identify the bones that weren't broken in Emmett. He was shattered like a broken glass."

Poor Rosalie had been devastated. Those days were pretty dark for everyone. We all split our time between the boys and helping her as much as we could. Of course, my time wasn't as limited considering Edward could barely stand to be in the same room with me.

"Edward's grandmother on his mom's side had left him a modest inheritance. He used every penny of the inheritance and what little was left from his sponsorship on Emmett. Emmett had the best physical therapists in the state."

It was definitely money well spent, because that was the only time there was hope in Emmett's eyes during those months.

"Edward lost his sponsorship, obviously, and soon we couldn't pay our bills. It just made the rift between us even worse. I think we slept in the same room _maybe_ two nights once he got home. "

The day Edward packed up his things from our room and moved into the den was the second hardest day of my life. I cried for nearly a week, and I wondered what it would take to bring him back to me.

"The next year was pretty much the same day, over and over. He was so depressed and guilty that he could barely function. I worked two jobs and went to school. I didn't need the spare time anyway; Edward would barely look at me."

Taking a deep breath, I rub my palms along my thighs, and the tears become too much to hold back.

"I came home early one day and found a blonde leaving the house," I choke back the sobs. My tongue seems thick and there is a pain in my chest.

I can remember her trashy black roots, and dark eyes that hadn't seem make-up remover in days.

"I waited until she left. When I went inside," a sob overtakes me and I can't breathe.

Jamie immediately leaves his chair and pulls me into his arms. Whispering soothing words into my ear, I feel his fingertips stroke up and down my back. After a few minutes pass, I gather myself and calm down.

Jamie wipes the tears from under my eyes, and he smiles at me warmly.

"I found him with a mirror full of blow at the kitchen island."

I had tried to forget that day above all others, but it was always there, lingering in the back of my mind like a parasite that slowly ate away at pieces of me.

Jamie pulled me into his side, and he tucked my head under his chin. I am actually pretty surprised at how good it feels to have this entire thing out in the open. I carried it around for so long, and even though there are parts I have highly censored, I'm glad to have a lot of the past off my chest.

"I wish you had told me before we came here."

I can't blame him. I should have. It would have only been fair.

"I wish I had too."

Blowing out a shaky breath, Jamie tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I guess I knew there was something between you and Edward...well, I would have if I had paid enough attention. When the two of you are in a room together, you're like two pieces of a whole. You never get far from each other, and you never lose sight of where the other one is."

I'm shocked at this. I never realized this about us. At least, not the us that we are _now_.

"Jamie...it's over between Edward and me."

He smiles at me with tight lips.

"I think you and I both know that isn't true."

Isn't it? I know that I have no desire to be hurt like I was before. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to know the pain of that last year.

"Bella, be honest. Do you feel for me the way that you felt about Edward?"

My breath catches and a huge lump forms in my throat.

"That's different, Jamie. I was young and he was my first love and..."

I don't get to finish, because Jamie cuts me off.

"It's okay to say no, Bella." He takes a deep breath and seems to struggle with himself for a minute.

"I don't feel about you the way I did about Tori."

The sounds of the night cease and it's eerily quiet. I would be lying if I said it hadn't occurred to me that Jamie didn't love me the way he had his wife, but it didn't sting like I always thought it would. In fact, I barely felt it at all.

"I thought that maybe with time, we'd get there. Seeing you here, where you obviously belong, I can finally admit that we just aren't meant to be...and I think you know that too."

Did I?

Had I always?

I think that maybe I had. It was nice to have a break from the horror of my past, but had I unknowingly used such a sweet and kind man?

"Jamie, I never wanted to hurt you. If you never believe anything else I say, please believe that," I plead with him.

I need him to believe it, more than anything else right now.

Pulling me close to his chest and placing a kiss on top of my head, I know that my time with Jamie is over and I'm about to start another chapter in my life.

* * *

As we load Jamie's bags into the backseat of Alice's car, I can't help but find myself fearing what this unexpected turn could mean. The last few months of consistency had been like a little slice of heaven, so to find myself back at a point where I didn't know what tomorrow would be...well, frankly...it scares the shit out of me.

"Jamie?" Gently tugging on his arm as he loads the last bag into the trunk, I struggle with the words to say once his eyes turn to me.

"I just..." I wish I knew exactly what to say.

"I know, Bella. I know." He smiles sweetly and I realize that this is going to be one of those amicable break-ups that I hear people talk about. You know the ones? _He was great, we just didn't work out._

"I am going to miss you so much, Jamie. Really. I never wanted things to end up like this." The tears come again and I fight the urge to sob.

"I know, babe." Babe. It sounds so different now. Almost the way you say it to a friend who hands you the glass from the top shelf, _thanks babe_.

"This is just where we were supposed to end up, you know?" He pulls me into a hug, and I know that I'm going to miss this the most.

_This is what I am going to miss this the most?_

Have I been using his comfort and protection all this time? The realization starts to settle upon me as the anguish I should be feeling...just doesn't appear. Perhaps I've relished having a friend, a companion, but I can't say that I ever _burned_ for him,_ or for his touch._

"Listen to me, okay?" He smiles at me while he places his hands on my shoulders.

Pulling my lip under my front teeth, I feel the exhaustion from the past few days start to settle on me.

"I realize that your life hasn't always been what it should have been. I know that Edward played a huge part in that." His eyebrows arch toward his hairline and I can see the truth in his eyes.

"But that man loves you, Bella. He looks at you like you are the most precious thing in the room and he's terrified that you're going to disappear. It was always there, I just wasn't paying attention until today."

As I struggle to pull away from Jamie, his grip tightens and he struggles to look deeply into my eyes.

"I get it. Okay? I do. But listen to me, Bella. You have no idea what I would give for another chance to hold Tori."

Jamie's eyes start to glisten and I know that he's laying everything on the line now.

"It's been 4 years. I know you think you've spent all that time moving on and growing. But you haven't, Bella. You've spent it running from here and he's spent it waiting for you to come back. _Anyone can see that."_

"You can't be serious," I begin to argue. "Suddenly you're Team Edward here? He hurt me Jamie. Cheated on me for an eight ball and pushed me away when all I wanted to do was help him!"

My breathing was labored and Jamie's face looked pained.

"I know. I'm not saying that you should forgive him and get back together. I'm saying that you need to move on - for yourself. Maybe with him or maybe without. But either way, _you_ need this."

As Jamie gave me a final hug and brushed the tears away from my cheek, I thought about this incredible love that I had been gifted. It hadn't been a passionate flame that burned and fizzled with time. Instead, it had been a steady ember that brought comfort and warmth to a cold heart that had once believed it would never beat again.

Jamie may not have fixed my heart, but he had soothed my soul in a way that I could never have done on my own.

* * *

Sitting at the vanity, I brush the black liner under my lashes, and I concentrate on trying to keep the stray powder from falling onto my cheek.

"Are you sure you are okay? You don't have to go tonight." Alice sits beside me, twirling the hot iron around yet another curl.

I've told both her and Rose that I'm fine, but neither seem to want to believe me. Since Jamie left yesterday, they both have chosen to become my personal ladies-in-waiting. I hadn't planned to put so much time and effort into my look for the gala tonight, but it seems that it has brought a welcomed distraction from the recent turn of events.

I haven't spoken to Edward since the race; though Alice assured me that he sent his deepest regrets for any role he may have played in the demise of my relationship.

I can't imagine that is the truth on any planet.

"I'm fine girls. I promise. Jamie and I are still going to be friends. It really _did_ end well." I paint the light nude lipstick on my lips and press them together.

Rosalie snorts. "Honey, you can't be friends with a man who knows your cum face. Trust me."

Alice giggles and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah well, I'm fine either way."

We fall back into our quiet routine of getting ready. There are broken fragments of sound when compacts fall to the granite and inhales of breath follow tweezed eyebrows. Either way, I can't help but think about how much I missed moments like these.

As we all stand and check our final appearance in the mirror, I can't help but dread tonight. I've never been one for dressing up at fancy events, but this one will be the first time I've ever had to go alone. I know I will be busy talking to people from the business, but I can't help but dread it anyway.

Walking down the stairs at Alice's house, I notice how handsome Emmett and Jasper look standing at the bottom. It still amazes me how much Emmett has changed since I last saw him. Rose told me that he had started working out so much during his physical therapy, but he obviously really enjoys it to stay this huge.

"You are stunning, my love." Jasper takes Alice's hand and places a light kiss on her knuckles.

I can't help but smile at their display. Even after all these years, he is still as affectionate to her as the day they declared their love to each other.

Emmett wraps his arm around Rosalie's waist and we all make our way outside, only to find a limo parked in the drive.

"Em! What did you do?" Rosalie smacks at his chest, though it's obvious that she loves it.

He winks at her and Jasper opens the door for Alice to get into car. I start to get in myself after Rosalie and Alice, but I'm shocked at the rude manners of Emmett and Jasper as they quickly jump in, leaving me for last.

However, my own entrance into the car is thwarted as the tall frame of a bronze haired boy emerges from the car.

I'm taken aback at first. I had forgotten how beautiful Edward looked in a suit. Now, I will be the first to admit that it pains me to see his ink covered, but this is a welcomed sight. _For sure._

"Look," his voice is shaky and he drags his hand through his hair. Such an Edward-ism. However, the lip that disappears under his front teeth is a trait that he picked up from me.

"I know this is pretty presumptuous, and I promise that I am in no way trying to make light of the fact that you and Jamie just broke up, okay?"

I recognize the look of sheer honesty and fierce determination in his eyes.

"I just thought, I could be your date tonight. Your very _friend-like_ date."

I wish I could say that I heavily weighed the options and put careful thought and consideration into the decision.

I wish that I could say that I was careful to think of what this could mean and how it would look.

In reality, it took about two seconds for me to decide that I wanted to have his support for the night. I also can't lie and say that I didn't think about the fact that this could be the last time I'm on Edward Cullen's arm.

With Jamie's final words in my head and my foolish heart on my sleeve, I smiled hesitantly at Edward and got into the car.

* * *

**Hey Guys! I know I sort of dropped off the face of the earth, but I'm back! My internship is almost over and I've finished most of my portfolio, so I have a lot more free time on my hands now! As always, mad love to you all for being so patient and to TwilightMom 505, my incredible beta. She puts up with me and I thank her for it. This chapter has actually been ready to post for a while, but I kept going back in and changing things because I just couldn't be happy with it. So, while it has been beta'd, it's also been messed with since then, so that's all on me. **

**I'm hoping that I will get to post more regularly now, in fact, the next two chapters are already finished and about to be on the way to the beta! I love you, forgive me, and thanks for hanging in there!**

**-Eva**


	13. You and I Collide

**While it would be nice to claim ownership over Handsome Rob, I do not. Nor do I own anything Twilight related. No infringments intended...just a bit of fun.**

* * *

The chandeliers in the ballroom glistened like a spring rain on the petals of roses. The air smelled of the finest cuts of beef. Breasts were exposed and heaving while curls were coyly tucked behind diamond encrusted ears. It was so strange to see these men who were normally covered in tattoos and mud to now be covered with bow ties and plastic smiles. I have never understood what it was about the word 'gala' that made everyone loose their mind.

Since we exited the limo mere minutes ago, I felt more on edge than I had ever imagined I would. Daddy had been gone over a year now, and I still couldn't stand the look of pity when people talked to me.

As Edward extended his elbow to me in an effort to escort me to the open bar, I was actually glad that he was here with me. The drive over here had been tense, and Edward and I had barely looked at one another. It had worried me then, but I was glad for him right now.

"My Lo..Lady." He smiled sheepishly, and I knew he was hoping that I overlooked his near slip.

I wrapped my hand around his arm, and I followed him to the bar.

After nearly an hour had passed and I had managed to speak with virtually everyone in the room about how much _they_ missed Charlie, Edward finally pulled me to our seats and made me rest.

I couldn't even find it in myself to protest.

"You need to eat something." Edward started to get up from the table, and I placed my hand on his arm to stop him.

"I'm sure dinner will be served before long." I was starving, but I didn't want any special treatment.

"Hey, I know a guy in the kitchen, I'm sure I can get you something to nibble on, okay?"

He placed his palm over the top of my hand and smiled down at me.

"I know what you like. Don't worry."

As I watched him walk across the room, I wondered how true that was. He had changed so much in 4 years. Not his appearance, as mine had, but _him_. The once wild and crazy boy that was full of attitude and a cocky demeanor was now replaced with a calm man who was almost...quiet.

Waiting for Edward to return, I watched Alice and Jasper twirl around the room. I envied them. They had managed to hold on to the love they had for each other all this time. My mind drifted to Rose and Em, who were undoubtedly absent because they were making out in a corner somewhere. So many obstacles had been overcome by both couples, so much love cherished.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that there had been times that I wondered if I had made the wrong choice all those years ago.

I've wondered what would have happened if I had tried harder to get Edward help? Would things be different now? Would he have gotten better sooner?

I shake my head in an attempt to rid myself of 'what if's' and 'maybes'.

Taking a long sip of my champagne, I notice Edward striding casually back to our table with a plate overloaded with food. I notice the eyes full of smoky shadows and false lashes that follow him. He always did draw attention.

"They only had romaine lettuce, so I ask them to make one with spinach for you. It should be out in a few minutes."

As he placed the plate on the table in front of me, I noticed it was full of my favorites. There wasn't a single thing on the plate that I didn't like. My mind automatically drifted to a Saturday night a few months ago when Jamie brought dinner to my house. He had brought a wonderful salad, but I couldn't eat it because Romaine lettuce hurts my stomach. That night it just seemed like an oversight-something I had never told him. Tonight, it seems like just another item on a long list of ways I had never let him know me.

When Edward sat beside me without a plate, I stopped eating.

"Didn't you get yourself anything?"

"I ate a little before I left home." He gripped his glass full of dark liquid.

"Is that Coke?" I asked before I even realized the words had fallen from my lips.

He looked down at the glass and took a deep breath.

"Yeah."

I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed thickly. He turned his body toward me and stuck out his hand. Unsure as to why he wanted to shake my hand, I slowly placed mine in his, and he shook it gently.

"Hello. My name is Edward Cullen and I'm an alcoholic."

If the music continued, I didn't notice. If the crowd continued to dance, I didn't notice. If anything but Edward and I existed in that room -I didn't notice.

Alcoholic? I never knew Edward to have a drinking problem. Yeah, he had partaken of a little here and there, but we all had. Addict? Maybe. I did find him in the act, but drinking?

"Since when?"

I wanted answers too badly to be subtle.

"Since the accident." It was a simple statement. One that should be self-explanatory. But all it did was fuel a million more questions in my mind.

Was he drinking while I was still here? Was it the catalyst for the drug use or did the drug use cause the drinking?

"Stop." He said, looking deeply in my eyes.

"I know you're asking yourself about 70 questions right now, but stop."

I finally broke his gaze and realized that the room had continued to go on without us. No one was looking, but I couldn't help but feel like the world was caving in on me. Questions that had long been buried beneath the surface of my soul were suddenly dancing with new questions, neither finding any answers.

Struggling to compose myself, I knew I needed to get away.

"I need to..." I wasn't even sure how to finish that sentence. I sat for a moment, waiting to find the words, but when they failed me, I simply dropped my fork and stood.

I walked as briskly as I could toward the bathrooms, trying to avoid running.

Once I got to the bathroom, I placed both hands on the granite counter and dropped my head. Tears that I had stored for years threatened my make-up, but I resisted the urge as much as I could.

After I had patted some water on my face and pulled myself together, I took a deep breath and started my journey back to the table.

As soon as I exited the bathroom and stepped out into the hallway, I felt a hand pull at my elbow. Edward led deeper into the hallway, before pulling me into a dark room. It was an office that was dimly lit by a table lamp. The reflection of the warm bulb glowed on the polished mahogany.

"This is what I was trying to tell you the other night. We have so much to talk about and it's long overdue. In fact, it should have happened years ago."

His words were quick, but rehearsed. This was a conversation that he had thought about many times. Oddly, it was one I had never planned to have at all.

"Edward..." Before I could finish, he cut me off.

"We aren't going to have it here, but we _are_ going to have it, dammit. I'm tired of chasing you all over town, trying to get you to listen to me."

It was the first time since I had been home that Edward had shown any sign of his old self. At a time when it should have scared or intimidated me, it only made me feel better, more at home.

He took two large strides toward me and placed his hand on my shoulders.

"I know you have questions, and I promise you, _I promise you_, Bella, you will get your answers. I will tell you everything you need to know and I will do it happily."

His hand came up from my shoulder and gently stroked my jawbone.

"There are so many things that should be different. We should be here, waiting to get home to our kids. You should have been able to get ready tonight with your only worry being which dress was the most flattering for your round stomach that should have been full with our love. I should have made that happen. I should have...I know that _now_."

As his words filled my ears, his touch filled my heart. I found myself burning for him, the intense and familiar pull that only Edward had ever caused. My lips were on his before I even realized what had happened. They were just as I remembered them and the feeling in my body was the same too.

I felt alive and wanted, beautiful and confident. When Edward's lips parted, begging me to explore further, the reality of the situation crashed back down on me.

Pressing my palms against his chest, I pushed him away from me.

"Stop. I can't, I just can't." I turned away from him and wiped my mouth.

"I know. I shouldn't have done that. You aren't ready, and I respect that."

He turned away from me, and he subtly adjusted himself as he blew out a shaky breath.

My head was screaming at my heart, and that traitorous hussy, which I am pretty sure was in league with my vagina, laughed in her face. My mind was a mine field. It was filled with pieces of time, so painful in their composure, that I hadn't given them much thought in years. Yet, those memories mixed with snippets of the man I had met since being home. He was a thoughtful, sweet and charming man that I craved more of.

Edward straightened his tie and checked his cufflinks before he headed toward the door. I pressed the invisible wrinkles out of my dress and followed behind him. When Edward's hand gripped the knob, he turned to me.

"But I damn sure won't say I regret it. Or that I don't miss hearing you moan my name."

With a smirk and a wink, he walked out the door.

Now _there_ is the Edward I remember.

Once Edward and I made it back to the table, the others are eating and I notice that the ceremony had begun. When I checked the itinerary sitting beside my plate, I noticed 'Charlie Swan's Tribute,' was only minutes away.

The unexpected turn of events with Edward had been a distraction from the events of the gala, I had nearly forgotten that I was due to speak any minute.

When the program changed and I knew it was time for the tribute, the screen behind the presenter displayed a slideshow of daddy. As the pictures changed from his youth, to photos of me and daddy, the tears building in my eyes became harder to hold back.

Wordlessly, Edward's hand covered my own, and I realized that his comfort was needed more than I realized.

As the photos chronicled daddy's life, I couldn't help but notice how many were of Edward and him. It was the first time that I thought about how much Edward must be hurting too.

I placed my hand onto the pile of our intertwined fingers, letting him know in the simple gesture, that I understood.

I could only barely hear the words of the presenter, but I knew that I was supposed to go to the stage to speak. Barely holding back sobs, I wondered how I would ever manage to talk on that stage.

When the clapping ceased and the eyes of the crowd turned toward me, I realized the screen behind the podium displayed a photo of Daddy and me. It was the last one that was ever taken. Alice and Daddy had come out and visited me. We took the photo on the beach just before they left for the airport.

When I pulled my eyes from the screen, I looked at Edward and we spoke silently. It was familiar and I was surprised at how much I had missed someone knowing me so well.

With a small smile and a pat to my hand, Edward rose, pushed his chair up and made his way to the stage.

The MC scrambled a bit, but before Edward began, the photo behind him changed and was replaced with the one that sat on my nightstand for years.

It was Daddy, Edward and me. It was from the race that Edward won just before he got his sponsorship. It was one of the best days of my life. In the photo, I sat sideways on Edward's bike, while he held it up. Dad was on the other side of me, and they both had their arms around me.

"There aren't enough words to describe who Charlie Swan was. He was more of a man than anyone I know. Thousands of riders got a chance to do what they love...all because of him."

Edward swiped below his eyes and took a deep breath.

"He changed my life. When I met Charlie, I was young and stupid. I thought the world owed me something. Charlie showed me, right away, a man is only as good as his character. Plain and simple."

Edward ran his hand through his hair and looked out over the crowd.

"Looking out, I see at least half a dozen riders who wouldn't be where they are today, if not for Charlie. He helped me, gave me the tools to make something of my self."

Edward's eyes locked on mine.

"Gave me the world."

He paused and the corner of house mouth lifted.

"The last words he said to me were, 'who you've been, isn't who you have to be.' I didn't get it then, like I do now..."

Edward's words continued, but I didn't hear them. The moments from my past collided with those from my present. Thoughts of how close Daddy and Edward were began to haunt me, and I wondered how much I didn't know. How much did Daddy know?

Before I realized my body's movement, all I could hear was the sound of my heels clicking on the tile floor as I fled the room. Stumbling out the doors and into the parking lot, I searched for the limo.

The driver was startled when I flung myself in the back.

"Where to Miss?"

"Home. Take me home."

As the car pulled from the parking lot, the plans began to click in place. I couldn't do this. I couldn't just forgive him and pretend that everything was okay. I couldn't forgive all the pain, the hurt. I couldn't forget the cheating or the drugs.

This Edward was so different. Where was _he_ 4 years ago? Where was he when I cried myself to sleep? Where was he when I held Rose's hand and promised Emmett would walk again?

As the limo pulled into the driveway of Alice's house, I flung open the door and spoke to the driver.

"Wait here for just a few minutes. I'm going to change and grab my bags. I need you to take me to the airport.

* * *

**So, I've been review fail for the last couple chapters. Not because I don't love and cherish every single one, but because I'm working very hard to get this story finished. I've drug it out so much longer than I had ever intended to. It's hard for me to say exactly, but I see us ending someone around 25 or so. Anyway, I appreciate all those reviews, and just because I may not get back to...I promise, I cherish your words...even the bad ones!**

**As always, a huge thanks to TwilightMom505 who is the best beta ever. I always tweak after she sends, so all those mistakes are mine and are of no reflection in her! I love you, T.**

**See you guys soon!**


	14. Run Away Little Girl

As usual, I own nothing. Just a love for our Pretty Boy and all this craziness!

* * *

~_Flashback~_

The light of a new morning slips between the silk panels, and I stretch my arms and legs out to adjust my body. The plush white comforter is too soft, and the sheets are too silky. They are not making my struggle to get out of bed any easier. Rolling my body onto my side, I gather the fluffy pillow between my arms and my head, successfully burrowing my head into the goose down. Taking a quick peek at the clock on the nightstand, I realize that I only have a few minutes to enjoy the comfort of my bed before I have to get up and take a shower. Glancing beside the clock, the frame that sits beside the glowing numbers makes me smile. I can't help but feel the joy in remembering that day, but sorrow quickly follows it. It's my favorite picture of Daddy, Edward and me. It was taken such a short time ago, yet it feels like another lifetime.

Not wanting to delve deep into the haunted ghosts that I live with every day, I finally find the initiative to throw my feet over the edge of the bed and stand. When I find myself walking down the hall and toward the kitchen, I allow myself a quick glance to his bedroom door. I know that he isn't in there, he is up and gone long before I am, and yet, I can't help but hope -hope that today would be different, hope that something might change, hope that _my_ Edward would be the one to walk through that door today.

As I make my way into the kitchen, I see the single plate that sits on the kitchen island. Beside it sits the purple monogrammed lunch bag that Alice bought me for my birthday a couple years ago. While Edward has taken to fixing my breakfast and lunch every day for the past few months, it still doesn't change the fact that it's basically one of the few ways I can still feel his presence in the house, or the fact that when I ask him to actually eat something with me, he finds an excuse to leave.

He has been spending a lot of his time at the track lately, and while I understand his need to cope, I don't understand his need to do it alone.

After taking a few bites of my breakfast, I make my way to the bathroom and get ready for the day.

* * *

"Hey! I've been calling you all morning!" Alice blasts in the phone. The woman could call at 2:00 in the morning and yet she would sound like a toddler who just had their first drink of Mt. Dew.

"Hello, Alice. Sorry, I just got finished at school, so I couldn't call you back until now."

Wedging the phone between my head and my shoulder, I dig through my purse to find my keys.

"Well, I just wondered if you could take Emmett to therapy this afternoon? I know it's my turn, but Jazz had a thing come up at the track, and he can't get back home in time. Since my car is in the shop, I don't have a way to get him there. Plus, I really hate to bail out on Rose because she is just now getting back to working with any regularity. She needs to get her mind off things."

As Alice rattles on at a speed of 5000 words a minute, I struggle to find a place to interrupt. Finally, I decide to just be rude.

"Alice! It's okay. I don't have anything to do anyway."

A sigh of relief could be heard through the phone.

"Good, I'm going to cook tonight. Rose is going to come by after work, so you and Em can just come by here on your way back from therapy."

Adjusting my seatbelt and finding my car charger in the console, I hang up with Alice and start toward Emmett's house.

* * *

"I really hate those damn lunges. They fucking kill my knees!" Emmett grumbles a I help him into the car.

I couldn't help but chuckle at him. He has found some aspect of the therapy to complain about since the very first session, yet he wouldn't miss them for the world. I think they make him feel like he is actually getting somewhere.

And he is. He only had to use one crutch now to support his weight. It's amazing considering we didn't know if he would ever get out of that wheelchair. But here he is, working hard and finding his way back.

As I get in the car and start the drive to Alice's house, Emmett reclines his seat and starts to stretch.

"This shit makes me so sore."

I smile. "I'm sure it does."

"So..." Emmett begins, but he looks hesitant to continue. This is a tell-tell sign that he is about to say something about Edward.

"Is Edward coming to dinner tonight?"

I take a deep breath and think about how to answer. He never does. There is always something he needs to do or somewhere he has to go. Therefore, I didn't even tell him.

"I'm not sure." I try to sound upbeat, because I know that Emmett feels guilty about Edward's behavior. Something I don't quite understand because only Edward is responsible for Edward's behavior.

Letting out a huff, Emmett throws his head back against the headrest of the seat.

"I wish he would just get over his shit, you know? I mean, I get it," Emmett rubs his sore leg with his free hand, "trust me, I do. But this is getting old. He's pushing everyone away, especially you, and that's not fair."

I know, Emmett. I know.

"Let's just have a nice dinner, okay?" I offer Emmett a gentle smile and silence fills the car.

* * *

"You guys are finally here! I've been working so hard all day on the chicken. It's a new recipe." Alice barely lets Emmett and I get in the door before she begins.

"I'm sure it will be great." Emmett is grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm sure you will think so because all you do is eat. Everything." I chuckle as I help him sit on the couch.

"Where's my Rosie?" Emmett looks around, like she's going to pop up from under the end table.

"Oh, she called and said she had to make a quick stop, but then she would be on her way."

Emmett seems to be relaxed as he lounges in front of the TV, so I follow Alice into the kitchen and start to toss the salad that sits on the kitchen table.

"Do you need help with anything?"

Alice stands over the stove and stirs the contents of the pot. It smells delicious.

"No, I think I have the majority of everything finished. Jasper should be out of the shower any minute, and I expect Rose to be here soon."

Moving the components to dinner from the island to the kitchen, I hear Jasper come into the room.

"Smells great, babe. Need anything?"

She smiles up at him and kisses his chin. "Nope."

Smiling to myself, I turn away and keep setting the table.

"Hey Bella." Jasper places a quick kiss to my cheek and takes the plates from my hands.

"Let me get that. Go get Emmett's lazy butt, will ya?"

I smile at him genuinely. With Edward doing his sulking and Emmett so banged up, it's nice to have a male figure that still seems normal. Daddy has been away on business a lot lately, so Jasper seems to be the only life line I have right now.

"Sure."

Walking into the living room, I see that Emmett is looking out the window with a confused gaze. It's not like Emmett to look so serious. When he hears me enter the room, he quickly turns and plasters a fake smile on.

"What's...going on?" I drag out.

"Huh? Nothing. Why? What do you think is going on?" He rushes out.

As I hear footsteps on the front porch, I can only assume that it's Rosalie, and I can't imagine why he would be paranoid. Normally, Emmett is excited and anxious to get Rosalie back beside him. Since the accident, he has been even worse. Seeing him like this automatically sends up several red flags.

The doorbell rings, and I go over to get it. It's another odd occurrence to add to the list tonight. Rosalie always just comes in; we all do.

As I open the door, the biggest odd occurrence of the night hits me in the face.

Edward.

He's standing behind Rosalie, but that isn't the biggest shock. He looks...happy.

He is bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, with his hands in his pockets. Smiling brightly at me, I can't help but return the smile as it has been so long since I've seen it.

When my gaze returns to Rosalie, her eyes are huge in warning, and her smile is tight.

"Edward called and asked me to give him a ride to dinner. Isn't that _great_?" Her words may have a nice meaning, but it's obvious they are tight and forced. She is as freaked out by this as I am.

"Yeah." I smile at her and then level my gaze at him. It's not that I don't want to scream, 'what the hell is going on,' but in all honesty, I'm so happy to see him look, I don't know, lighter, maybe?

As we all make our way into the dining room, the shocked look on everyone's face seems to become a staple throughout dinner. Edward remains light, jovial and talkative. _Very_ talkative.

* * *

"So, what is going on here?" I ask once we finally get in the car and start our journey home.

"What do you mean?" He knows what I mean.

"The plain and simple fact that your hand is on my thigh is what I mean."

Thinking that he would remove his hand upon my calling him out was obviously a mistake. At the mention of it, his tightens his grip and then slips his hand higher-toward the promise land.

"I missed you."

It's simple. It's sweet. It's exactly what I have wanted to hear for almost a year. But's it wrong. This isn't right. _This_ Edward may be closer to the one I once knew, but he's still not _him_.

"I've missed you, too."

I decide to let it rest and wait until we get home to dig into what's going on here. For the next few minutes, I just want to enjoy the moment.

* * *

_~Present~_

Hanging the beautiful dress on the back of the bathroom door, I realize I feel more like myself now that I have changed into my yoga pants. As I walk back into the bedroom, I run hrough a mental checklist of everything I had brought with me. Considering the dogs trashed so much of my stuff, it is hard to remember what I have left to take back home. I push my hands into the pocket on the front of my sweatshirt, and I realize that I was kind of thankful that I got these old clothes back. I hadn't realized how much I missed them.

As I sit down on the bed to put on my socks and shoes, I hear the door downstairs slam against the wall as it is thrown open. I had hoped to get out of here before he found me, but I guess that wasn't going to happen. Standing, I begin to throw as much of my stuff into my suitcase as possible. A hasty retreat plan is forming in my mind.

I am shocked when the frame that fills the door is not the tall and lean one I expect. Instead, I am face to face with a _very_ angry pixie.

"So you're just going to run off, huh?" She spits at me.

Alice is my sister and my best friend, and as such, she has been angry at me before. Though, I have never seen her look quite like this.

"Didn't you think that we deserved a goodbye? Or that maybe Edward Cullen deserves more than you just running off into the night?"

I jerk my head toward her so quickly that I am surprised it doesn't pop.

"Edward Cullen deserves better?" I am so shocked that my anger doesn't set in immediately. Instead, it begins to increase at a steady pace until my fury is nearly impossible to contain.

"After the mess he made of _my_ life, you can actually stand there and say that to me?" I ask.

Before I realize it, I made my way toward her spot in the doorway. Never one to be outdone, Alice meets me halfway, and we are soon at each other's throats.

"Yeah. I fucking do, _little sister_. He does deserve better. He's done his time and paid his price. But look at you..." She sneers at me, one eyebrow cocked and a cruel smirk on her face.

"Still running away like a little girl."

My finger flys in her face, and my teeth grind together.

"_You_ put me on that plane. _You_ were there too."

Grabbing my finger and shoving my hand back, Alice stands on her tiptoes, trying to balance our heights.

"I put you on there so you could have a _break_. Not run away to the other side of the damn country and leave all of us to clean up your mess."

The thoughts were racing in my head, and I could barely contain myself.

"MY mess? Edward made the mess. Edward was the one..." I was quickly cut off.

"Edward was in a really shitty place, and yes, he should have done better. Yes, things should have been different, but they weren't. When he needed you the most, what did you do, huh? Huh?"

I had no response. Alice was voicing the very words that I had feared for years.

"You ran away. That is what you did. You left Rose and me here to do it all by ourselves."

Alice stomps around me and begins to jerk my clothes out, one at a time. With each piece that is removed from my suitcase, another piece is thrown across the space angrily.

"Rose cried herself to sleep every night, scared to death that she was going to lose Emmett. Did she quit?" Alice successfully empties the last of my suitcase and is currently snapping it shut.

Dropping it to the ground, she yells, "No!"

Alice kicks it across the room and levels her eyes on me again.

"Did Jasper or I get to give up when our Edward couldn't get out of bed? No!"

I didn't know what to say. I simply stand there, staring at my sister in a shape that I had _never_ seen her in before. She stomps across the room toward me, standing nose to nose, so close that I can hear her heart thumping loudly in her chest.

"Did I get to walk away when Edward cried in my lap after I told him his baby was gone?"

My breath hitches in my throat, and my eyes go wide.

Never moving her eyes from mine, she whispered, "No."

Taking two steps back from me and glancing around the room, she seems to come to a resolve.

"You aren't leaving until you figure this shit out. I suggest you start at home."

With that, she walks out of the room, back down the stairs and out the front door.

* * *

**We are getting down to the good stuff now! Next chapter will be VERY worth the wait. **

**As always, a huge thank you to my girl T, for her amazing beta skills. I have to give her extra props for this one because I made a mess with this chapter, but she saved me! I love you girl!**

**See you guys soon!**


	15. What the Heart Wants

**I don't own anything -except apologies on how long it's been. Meet me at the bottom, mkay?**

**Crazy amounts of love to my girl T, I love you for putting up my crap and being the best beta...EVER.**

* * *

As I stood pounding on the red door, soaked from the thunderstorm that raged around the little house, my fury escalated to new heights- heights that it had never seen before. I knew that some of it was misplaced, and I shouldn't be angry at Alice, and then take it out on Edward, but her words were still haunting me.

The baby -h e knew about the baby.

That brought on a whole new wave of rage. There had always been so many questions about what happened between us, but the thought that Edward had ignored the fact that I was pregnant overshadowed all of them.

My hand was stinging as I pounded my fist against the door, and I began to formulate a breaking and entering plan if he didn't open the door soon.

As my hand came down against the wood one last time, the hard surface beneath my fist gave way and there stood a very confused looking Edward. His tie was gone, and the first few buttons of his shirt were open, revealing the top of his chest piece. The swirls of color teased every ounce of my self control.

"Bella?" he asked as I stormed past him, and I stomped into the room.

"You wanted to talk, right? Well, right now would be a good time." Folding my arms across my chest, I narrowed my eyes at him, and I my breath came out in short pants.

"Yeah," He started as he closed the front door behind him.

"I can see how responsive you will be to anything I say right now," his words dripping with sarcasm.

His stride across the room was slow, and it only served to piss me off even more. Slowly, he sat down in the old chair that _I _placed by the fireplace years ago.

"So, where do you want to start? I can see that something is obviously on your mind."

Before I could even stop myself, I was across the room and kicking the corner of the old chair that once belonged to me.

Anger flashed across his face, but then it was gone as soon as it appeared.

"Don't do that. If you want to be angry with me, then fine, I deserve it. But don't come in here and destroy my things."

"Your things? Are you kidding me? That chair belonged to my grandmother!"

Staring up at me with sad eyes, he replied. "Why do you think I kept it? Hell, Bella. Look around you."

I had glanced at the things in the room when I first stormed in, but I hadn't noticed all that much in my state of fury. As my eyes scanned the area, wall to wall, door to door, I realized that it hadn't changed -at all. In fact, the Southern Living magazine was still lying on the sofa table, just beside the bottle of lotion I put on my elbows every night. Everything was clean and dust-free, so I knew that it wasn't a sign of neglect that these things were still out.

"Tell me where to start, and I will tell you everything you want to know."

He was being honest, straightforward, and staring at me like the boy I once knew. Slowly, my armor began to crack, and my anger faded.

"Why did you shut me out? Why couldn't you just lean on me?"

My lip was already trembling, and the burning in my eyes told me that this wasn't going to be easy. I had spent so long holding things in and ignoring what lay simmering just beneath the surface. It was finally time to stop that.

Edward took a deep breath and slowly blew it out. The emotions that crossed his face were so scattered and fleeting that my knees could barely hold me up. Now that my anger was dimming, I was feeling exhausted and hurt. I slowly sank in the chair opposite Edward and watched his green eyes lock on the fire.

"Did you ever wonder why exactly I went from being the All-American golden boy to..." he chuckles, "a pain in the ass?"

I know it isn't a question that he's looking for an answer to.

"When I was twelve, our neighbor, Mrs. Craddock, called us on our way home one day. Her little girl had the flu, and her husband was out of town. We'd been visiting dad at the hospital, so she wanted us to stop by the grocery to pick up some soup."

He chuckles and smiles at the memory.

"When she had you cornered, you were going to be talking for a while. So, mom just motioned me to go on in the store and grab the soup while she stayed on the phone in the car with her."

He jaw tightened, and he pressed his eyelids shut tight.

"This boy came up to me, he was about 17. I didn't know the things then that I do now, but it was obvious he was on drugs. He looked homeless. His actions were erratic, and quite frankly -he scared the hell out of me."

Finally looking away from the fire, Edward blew out a breath and stood. Walking the length of the fireplace, he alternated between running his hand through his hair and searching for the words to say.

"He was my brother, Bella. I'll spare you the details and shit that he spewed at me, but apparently, he'd been watching me for a few days, looking for a time when I was alone."

His brother? I can't help but let the shocked and confused look show on my face. His brother? I never knew.

"Our _dad_ was an asshole but must have actually loved my mother. Apparently, he had a lot of guilt about leaving her. So, when he heard she died, he didn't handle it well. He made their lives miserable before he killed himself. And then...his mom remarried. His stepdad didn't make things any better."

Edward sat back down and hung his head between his hands.

"Edward, you can't help that the man cheated on his wife with your mom. You can't help that he tore his family apart," I protested.

He slowly smiled, "I know that -_now_. But imagine a twelve year kid, being cornered by his big _brother_, and being told that everything is his fault."

My fingers itch to reach out and comfort him, but I manage to stop myself. I have to remember why I'm here.

"Did Carlisle and Esme know this?"

He shakes his head. "Not until a couple years ago."

Slowly, the pieces start to fall into place. He thought that he was responsible for his mother's death. Then, his big brother tells him he is to blame to his father's too. I can only imagine what was going through his head while Emmett was in the hospital.

But that doesn't excuse his behavior.

"You should have talked to me." I could barely manage to get my voice above a whisper.

"I know. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back and do it over. All this time apart." He blew a shaky breath out.

"Wasted," his whispered.

The silence settled between us as I tried to soak in what he'd told me. So many questions filled my mind; questions from before, questions from now.

"It was supposed to be you." His voice was so low, so quiet, that I had to wonder if I had actually heard him.

"If you hadn't gotten held up, it would have been you in that seat, Bella. I would have killed you. When I woke up, that was all I could think about. Every time I looked at you, I thought about how close I came to killing the only thing in the world that I couldn't live without, and..." He stopped talking as he chewed his lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to overtake him.

I wanted to reach out to him, to hug him and kiss his forehead. I just couldn't let myself.

"Edward, I can understand that you were in a bad place and you felt responsible. I think anyone would have. But you shut down. You barely spoke to me and then to...cheat...on me."

Edward's neck snapped to the side quickly.

"I told you, Bella. I have never cheated on you."

The realization that it was finally time to deal with all the pain settled on my shoulders. All these years, not knowing the details have been torture, but now, it's time to delve into the past.

"That day, the last day...I saw her."

Edward's forehead scrunches in confusion.

"I still don't understand."

"Kate. I saw her leaving our house. I found the note in your truck. She had written, 'she never has to know.' Edward, of all the nasty people to have messed around with. If you were going to cheat, couldn't it have been with someone a little -cleaner?"

"Wait. Kate? Who is Kate? I mean, seriously Bella, I don't know what you're talking about. Leaving _our_ house?"

Swiping beneath my eye with the back of my hand, I took a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing, but the sobs remained just beneath the surface.

"That last day, I came home early, and I saw her leaving the house."

I could see the realization sweep across his face, and I knew the moment he pieced it together.

"Kate? As in the same skank that hung around the track with Eric Yorkie?"

I'm a little startled by his implication.

"Yeah."

He dropped his head, let out a chuckle and then scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands.

"I was struggling with life, Bella. Eric managed to convince me one day to try some blow. By that time, no matter how much I drank, it didn't seem to dull the day, so I did. The first and only time was that night at Alice's house. You know the night we..."

He trails off, but of course I remember the night. It was the only time in the entire last year of our relationship that we were intimate. It was raw and rough, and I mistakenly thought it was reconnecting. I remember being devastated the next morning when I woke up and things were just the same as they had been the day before.

"Anyway, after the one time, I refused to again."

Edward hung his head.

"I hated the way I treated you that night Bella."

It's my turn to be confused, because I can't understand what he means. He was happy that night, mischievous and playful. I remember it was the best he had treated me in a long time.

"What do you mean?"

His jaw clenches, and I can make out how hard he swallows as his Adam's apple bobs.

"I was so -rough. I just, just..." He runs his hand through his hair and practically jumps from the chair as he makes his way over to the fireplace.

"I just fucked you that night, Bella. I manhandled you. I had no concern for you at all! I, I..."

He turns his back to me. "I hurt you." I can hear him whisper.

I sink back into the chair and dig through the recesses of my mind. Had he hurt me? Had he really been that rough? I can remember it was raw, and passionate. But hurt? No.

"Edward, you didn't hurt me. I liked that night. I liked everything about it."

He turns around and looks at me with fire in his eyes.

"Well, I didn't, and you shouldn't either. I pray that no one has ever treated you the way I did that night!"

For the first time since I've been back home, I see it, the self-loathing.

"I told Eric to stay away from me, and to keep that shit to himself."

He takes a few minutes to calm his breathing, but he stays by the fireplace.

"He stayed away all right, but _Kate_ didn't. She would show up at the track and try to give me 'samples.'" He turned and looked me deeply in the eyes.

"I won't lie to you." His expression was intense. "She hit on me -a lot. She said she wanted to party together, and everyone knew that Eric passed her around."

Desperation marred every feature of his face. Finally, he came to rest in front of my chair, on his knees, with his hands cradling mine.

"I swear to you, Bella. I never touched her. Even in my darkest hour, I had more respect for you than that."

When I looked into his eyes, I believed him. I don't know why. He'd hurt me so much and that pain was still raw, but I really believed him. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and knowing that there was never another woman freed me in a way that I hadn't felt in years.

It's with that freedom and the sensation of our cradled hands in my lap that I found myself accepting Edward's lips as they closed the distance to my forehead.

With a simple and innocent touch to my skin, he sat a fire in me that I hadn't felt in so long. My heartbeat accelerated quickly, and thought, logic and reason all managed to flee my mind. When Edward's lips left my forehead, his cheek pressed firmly against my own as he nuzzled my face. My breathing quickened and I found my arms circling around his shoulders.

"Bella," his breathing matched my own.

"Tell me...to stop." He said as his nose stroked the length of my jawbone, and I searched for the ability to grant his request. He took my silence as a green light and lightly pressed his lips to my own. He smelled and tasted like my Edward, but there was something different. He mouth was gentler than it used to be, his lips softer.

As his lips parted and our tongues met, I found my body pressed against his. I have no memory of how it happened, simply that it did. When my legs wrapped around him, he stood, taking me with him. Our mouths and hands began to explore a desire that had been so intense and deeply buried; I hadn't realized it still existed.

Edward kicked open the door to the guest suite and softly laid me on the bed.

"Bella, if you want to stop, that's fine. But, uh," he looked down and my eyes followed him to the bulge that rested in his pants, "now is the time to tell me."

As I searched my heart and head, my conflicted emotions told me many things, but I couldn't bring myself to listen. I simply couldn't imagine being anywhere else in than in that moment but with my Edward.

As I looked up at him, I conveyed everything I had felt in four years with my eyes. I wanted him to understand what this meant. That even if these were our last moments together, they would mean the world to me.

When his eyes became glassy, he lowered himself and placed soft, sweet kisses on my collarbone. I couldn't stop my body from arching into his, shamelessly begging him for more. He groaned at the friction that was created as our pelvises made contact.

"Bella..." he whispered.

Edward slowly unbuttoned my shirt, taking his time to relish every moment. With each open button, he placed a butterfly kiss on the skin exposed below. The sensation was amazing, but the anticipation was becoming nearly unbearable. As I squirmed out of my skin, he chuckled and continued his perusal of my body. I couldn't take being separated anymore, so I quickly removed his shirt, ready to be skin to skin.

"Anxious?" he laughed.

As my eyes scanned his chest and arms, and I realized just how much he had changed. His training sessions with Emmett had filled him out quite nicely. He had added several pieces to his artwork, and there was barely any open skin left. I looked at a few of the pieces that I was familiar with, even a few I had been present for, and then my eyes moved on to those that were new to me.

Woven in between the pieces that had been there before and new tributes to people in his life, Charlie, Emmett, Esme and Carlisle, was a large white swan. The subtle shading blended it with the other pieces, but there was no mistaking what it was, or the initials that hung around its neck on a heart shaped pendant, BSC.

Glancing up at Edward's eyes, I couldn't help but hold back the tears that threatened to flow over. Bella Swan-Cullen. When his eyes met mine, he smiled at me tenderly.

"I knew you were hesitant to lose the Swan _before_..." he trailed off.

Before Charlie, he means.

A huge part of my head screamed at me in warning, but my heart stomped on her toe and duct-taped her mouth. All I could think about what the fact that this man, my Edward, was here -with me. For the first time in so long, Edward was _with_ me -finally.

Sliding my hands down his chest, I swirled the pads of my fingers over his nipple before I continued my way down. His breath caught as I made my way down his side and over his back, taking both of his cheeks firmly in my hand and squeezing as I thrust my hips upward.

"Shit, Bella. You can't do that too much, okay?"

I couldn't help but giggle.

Edward's hands found their way south as well, and each stroke he made, slowly, languidly along each lip before a gentle touch to my core, drove me insane.

When we had finally explored each other to the point of frustration, Edward began to align us, and I had to reach down to stop him.

"What?" The fear was already clouding his face.

"Is what you said earlier true? I mean, that I..."

Just like the Edward and Bella we used to be, he knew exactly where I was headed.

"You were the last woman I ever made love to? Yes." The sincerity in his eyes and voice cleared any doubt that was lingering, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Jamie, he was the only one." Guilt and shame clouded my heart, and in that moment, I wanted to tell Edward there hadn't been anyone else either.

"I mean, we were safe, but you may want to..."

Edward's gaze was strong and intense and I didn't want to hurt him by talking about my sex life with another man, but I thought it was his right to know.

"You were safe? Always wore a condom?" he asked.

"Yes. Always."

His lip lifted in a smirk.

"So, what you're saying is that, technically, I'm still the only guy who has ever REALLY been inside you?"

I couldn't help but laugh out loud at his twist on our past. I shook my head, and my laughter was soon erased as Edward filled me.

"I intend to keep it that way." He whispered into my ear, sending chills all over my body.

His pace was fast and hard at first, just like I like it. As I clawed at his back, meeting his thrusts with my own, his pace slowed and his gaze held mine. The beauty of the moment was so pure that I forgot everything but the happy memories that once filled our lives.

After we had both had our fill, twice, I laid n Edward's arms and enjoyed the feeling of his fingertips as they stroked down my back.

But no matter how wonderful he felt, or how full my heart seemed, I couldn't forget what tomorrow's light would bring.

* * *

**Okay, so I have a few apologies here. First of all, I'm really sorry about the delay. I was hoping that after the difficult part of this semester was over, I would be ready to get back on track. That however, did not happen. However, the good news is that I graduated! I now, finally, have my bachelor's...and a mound of student debt. (Any takers on paying for that?) So, that means that I am hoping to get back on track. **

**Second, I apologize to the AMAZING people who reviewed and never replied to me. I got back to a few people, but I had a particularly mean review that destroyed my motivation for a bit, but I'm over that now. Don't like it? Move on. I can't tell you how many fics I've flounced but I have NEVER left a bad review. If I don't like it, I just click the 'X'. **

**Lastly, I know this chapter seems like there is a lot of rushing without resolving a lot, but trust me okay? **

**I love you all and I have to thank whoever nominated me for TLS. It makes my heart happy. Maybe one of these days I'll make it to that permanent column on the side, huh? **

**Until next time...**

**Eva**


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